Out of My Mind
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: Your first year of high school is always something to remember. But for Demi, will her first year of high school without her best friend, Selena be a year she's almost dying to forget?
1. Envious

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the general plot of the story. I do not own the characters in the story, I do not own their identities, and nothing I say or put into the story is a direct reflection omy the true identities of my characters. I do not claim anything I say or put into the story to be true. I do not claim to own anything but the plot and the idea of the story.

* * *

Summers are short. Unnecessarily hot in Texas, too. So hot that it's perfectly acceptable for my five year old sister to parade around the house wearing absolutely nothing. Funny that way, how small children can walk around naked but when you're older you can't do that without being frowned upon. This summer has been a bit of a drag, to be honest. There's not much to do in my rural suburbs. Everything entertaining is a half hour away in Dallas. Selena and I made due with going to the dairy queen, swimming in the creek and going to the shittiest amusement park ever, Lighterland Valley, or as me and Selena call it, Litterland Valley. Ha ha.

So this summer was much like the rest of the summers here in Colleyville. It doesn't help that school's starting back up tomorrow, either. Oh joy.

I need to get out of the house, so I'm going across the street to Selena's – my second home.

I get out of bed finally and look at the clock. It reads "11:52". I wonder why my mom hasn't woken me up yet? Usually, she gets pretty pissed whenever I sleep past 11 on the weekends. I guess she figured that it's the last day of summer, so she'd let it slide.

I go over to my dresser and rummage through it. Most of my clothes are dirty…I've been slacking so bad on washing them. I settle for a drab purple halter top and a pair of tattered shorts. "works for me." I mumbled to myself.

I throw on my clothes and go downstairs.

"Morning, Dems." My dad greeted me. He was standing in front of the stove mixing a bowl of macaroni for lunch.

I say nothing as I grab the jug of milk from the fridge and chug it straight from the carton. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "I'm going to Selena's for a little."

I turn and leave the kitchen, my sister following close behind.

"I go!" Madison screams at me. She's butt naked.

"no, Maddie. Go play with Dallas."

Madison crossed her hands over her chest and poked her lip out.

I just shrugged and walked out the door.

Selena's house wasn't far away. It was right across the street. I like having Selena live so close, but it really sucks whenever I want to get away from my family, and they're right across the damn street.

I knock twice on Selena's front door and just walk in.

Selena's family is the polar opposite of mine. Selena's mom was very young still, and she worked endless shifts at a clothing store. Not much money, but it's a steady job. Selena's step dad was young too. He worked weekdays at a car garage, weekends as a lifeguard. Brian was hot. When he and Mandy, Selena's mom first got married, I always told Selena that her new dad was a DLIF. She never found it funny. Being that Selena's family was so much different from my picture-perfect, all American family with a stay at home mom and a dad with a really good job, we balanced each other out. I think Selena and I are so close, because we rely on our differences. She often comes over to get a good dinner, because her parents are always working to pay the bills and there's never any food in her house to eat for dinner, and I go over her house when I need some freedom. It just works with us.

"Hi Mandy." I say as I slide my flip flops off at the door. She must be off today.

"Hi, Demi. Selena's upstairs."

I say nothing else as I go right upstairs into Selena's room. I flop down on her bed beside her.

"What's up?" Selena asked as she handed me the rest of her pink popsicle.

"I just couldn't be in that house anymore." I grumbled, chewing a piece of popsicle.

"Your house is never that bad."

"You're never there whenever people get annoying." I swallowed.

"Dallas is the only one I wouldn't be able to live with."

"How about naked Madison?"

Selena laughed.

"You guys have popsicles?" I asked, skepticism ravaging my voice.

"That's _all _we have in this house, too."

"You hungry?"

"Not really. I ate the rest of those oodles and noodles for breakfast."

I sigh. I wish Selena didn't have to go hungry. It's not exactly my business, but it bugs me just a little whenever my friend tells me that she's starving, and her parents can't exactly do much about it.

"What are you wearing to school tomorrow?" I ask to lighten the mood.

"Shit on a stick." She chuckled.

"Me too." I laugh too.

"Why are you so annoyed that you had to leave?" she asked me.

"I don't even know. I just hate being in my house sometimes. I come downstairs and my dad's making lunch and my little sister is dancing around letting everything hang out. It's just annoying." I explain.

She sucks her teeth. Selena never likes it whenever I shit-talk my family. But I would trade my world class family for her carefree mother and clueless stepdad. So you have to go without anything to eat for a little while…that can't be too hard.

"You're soooo PMSing, Demi."

I just roll my eyes at her. She knows how I feel about the subject of menstrual cycles.

I'm fifteen and starting my first day of high school tomorrow, and I still haven't gotten my period yet. My mom and my doctor both seem to think that it'll happen when my body is ready, but it's soooooo annoying to have a best friend that got her period when she was twelve. I don't understand anything she talks about when she's referring to her period. Selena has boobs too. Ones that can actually fit into a B-cup bra. My boobs are so small, I'm barely in an A. I envy Selena for many reasons, though I'd never ever let her know that. She knows that I don't have my period yet. I mean, I couldn't exactly keep that from her. I bet she thinks I'm weird. I'm fifteen years old and haven't had my period yet.

"You wanna go to my house? I could get my dad to order a pizza or something." I asked her, mainly to escape the thoughts in my head.

"Sure. I could eat a whole pizza by myself. I'm starving."

We both got up off her bed and headed downstairs.

"Muh? I'm going over Demi's." Selena said as she pulled on her usual black converse shoes.

"Oh…I was gonna ask the two of you to come shopping with me. But have fun, I guess." Her mom said.

"Shopping? With what money?" Selena replied to her mom, sort of bitter.

"I got food stamps today, honey."

I never understood the concept of food stamps. I mean, I know some families have to turn to government assistance if they have limited money. But what are food stamps? It's a little card. Not stamps at all. Selena's mom has been in trouble a few times with the authorities for being on so much government assista – welfare. Screw calling it "government assistance." Selena's parents have so much…assistance that their rent is only $350 a month. Pretty cheap for the cost of living here in Texas. My mom and dad pay a hefty $1,500 a month, and that's our mortgage. We don't rent our house. And we still have enough money to keep food in our house and pay the essentials. By essentials, I mean cable, electricity, gas, sewage, etc. I can't remember the last time Selena's had cable in her house…

I end up in the aisles of Walmart with Selena and her mom. Selena and I basically just roam around until her mom finishes up with the groceries.

"This is so cute. I wish I could get this." Selena says, holding up a yellow shirt with a black lace heart on the front. It wasn't exactly my style, but she would like it.

"This is cuter…" I say to her. I had a black shirt with a bright purple headphone set on it in my hands.

"You're so weird, Demi. You should put some color in your wardrobe. All you ever wear is black. I would KILL to have your closet."

I bit my lip at her words. She dresses like a fucking boy most of the time. I didn't want any fashion advice from her.

"This would look so damn cute on you!" She forces a pink lace shirt in my hands.

I sigh.

"I don't like pink…and neither do you."

"Yeah, but this is cute! Oh my goodness, Demi. You'd look so cute in pink."

I roll my eyes.

"You want that yellow shirt?" I ask.

"Of course I _want _it." She spoke to me like I was stupid.

"Find your size…" I rummaged through my wallet to find a twenty and a five.

"Demi...NO. It's okay. Window shopping is fun anyway."

"If you don't grab it, I'll just buy it for you anyway."

She knew my threats weren't empty, so she grabbed the shirt in a medium and slung it over her arm.

I grabbed that black and purple shirt in a large.

It always unnerves me to shop with Selena. She's so petite. Her shoe size is a whopping 8 ½ , but her jeans size is a steady 3-4, and she wears either small or medium shirts. I wea shoe, 6-7 jeans, and large shirts. Always large shirts. To be so fat, you would think I'd have bigger boobs.

"These shirts are only $7." Selena is kind of amazed.

"Walmart clothes are always cheap."

"Sorry, miss American Eagle." She teases me.

"….You want another shirt?" I ask.

"No, Demi. I can't take any more money off you."

"I'll pick one out for you, then."

"….Can I pick one for you then? And you have to wear it tomorrow. For school."

I just shrug.

I look through the racks for something colorful, for Selena.

I find a sparkly bright blue shirt with "LOVE" printed across it in black letters. It looks like it runs big, so I get her a small. I go back to find her, and when I do…I want to kill her.

She has a light pink half shirt with her. The shirt has quarter length sleeves, and it is made of a see-through material. It has flower patterns in the material. It is a very pretty shirt. But I cannot wear that.

"This would look so nice on you, Dems." She says.

Now, she kind of pissed me off. She knows better than anyone that I hate my stomach. I am fat. There's no way around it. My stomach is jiggly, soft and pudgy. I have muffin tops, and little pink stretch-marks on my muffin tops. And that shirt is a belly shirt. Part of me wishes that there was a dress-code against these things, but girls wear belly-shirts to school all the time.

"….I like this for you." I avoid her statement.

She grabs the sparkly blue shirt and examines it.

"This actually is cute, Dem. I'll wear this tomorrow with a nice pair of capris. And it's a halfie, too. I love half shirts."

I put the pink see-through shirt back on the rack.

"DEMI. We had a deal!" She scolds me.

I flush bright red and grab the shirt again.

Maybe I'll just wear a cami under it.

"Selena, it's a medium…" I say.

"I know."

"…This isn't my size."

"Yes it is. Demi, you think you're bigger than what you are. The larges you wear fit you okay, but they're so baggy. Girls are supposed to wear tight clothes."

I glare at her.

I shrug again. At least if it doesn't fit, I have a reason not to wear it tomorrow.

"Girls, come on." Mandy calls from the edge of the clothes aisle.

She has a big buggy full of food and she's having trouble pushing it.

"It's our first day of high school tomorrow, Demi. We have to dress nicely." Selena started with me as we started walking towards her mom.

"I do dress nice."

"Ripped jeans and raggedy band t-shirts aren't nice, Dem."

I roll my eyes.

I fish a couple more ones out of my wallet to pay for the shirts.

I wish Selena would just thank me and shut up.


	2. Say Something

Selena's staying the night tonight. It's not like she's never stayed over on a school night before. And it's not like my mom gave a damn about anything either. She only stays over whenever her mom is working early in the morning and her dad is working late at night. My mom hates for her to be in the house by herself.

Dinner tonight is spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread and salad. I'm not really hungry, but I know Selena is.

She piles her plate high with a mound of spaghetti, two pieces of garlic bread and some salad. I eat a little bit of everything.

"What time are you girls heading to bed tonight?" My mom asks. She was cutting Madison's meatballs up.

"Probably ten. Maybe ten thirty." I reply, twirling spaghetti on my fork.

"Alright. Daddy will make breakfast tomorrow morning. I'll get you two up at 6."

I nod.

"Slow down, Selena. You're gonna get a stomachache." My mom warns her cautiously.

Selena just chuckles and continues eating.

I bite a meatball and sigh.

"Demi, you sure you've had enough?" My mom asks.

I don't answer. I look at Selena's plate. She has to have a pound of spaghetti piled on her plate. She has a total of eight meatballs mixed in her spaghetti. A third slice of garlic bread. A bowl full of salad. A giant glass of coke. I compare her plate to mine. A small portion of spaghetti. One slice of garlic bread. A tad bit of salad. A glass of water. She won't gain a pound from eating all that. But I'll gain about seven.

I roll my eyes and put my plate in the sink.

I look at the clock. It's 5:30. Half past the hour. Half past losing my mind.

"Your mom shop good today, honey?" My mom asks Selena, all sweet and stuff. The type of voice she NEVER uses with me.

"Yeah. She's gonna make a pot roast for dinner tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah? That's good. Tell her that I got some vegetables over here that are gonna go bad. Tell her to stop by and grab some."

"I will."

I wash my plate off with the hose in the sink.

I go to the living room and sit down. Dallas is watching True Life on MTV.

I watch too.

I think about my own True Life.

True Life: I'm a Raging Bitch to Everyone, Including Myself.

I laugh to myself.

This episode is about two girls and a boy who all cut the skin on their palms because they get sad. I'm always sad…

I turn up the skin of my wrists. They're smooth and clean. I tuck away the cutting idea for a time when I'm desperate. Because frankly, I'm always sad. I've never thought about going to an extreme like cutting. But I didn't even rule it out anymore.

"Do you and Selena want a ride to school tomorrow?" Dallas asks.

I shrug.

Dallas places her small hand on the broad part of my back, between my shoulders.

"What do you think mom and dad are gonna do to you if you don't start talking?"

I turn myself to her and look at her.

They've noticed that I don't talk much anymore? Fuck.

I bite at the skin around my thumbnail and it bleeds.

"They talk about it sometimes, Demi. They talk about sending you to a shrink. I always have to tell them no."

This kind of pisses me off. Because I am not that screwed up yet. I just don't talk much. Nobody cares what I have to say anyway.

I sigh.

I get up, but Dallas pushes me back down.

"You can talk to me, Dems…I won't tell anyone what you say."

I nod sincerely at her then get up again.

Selena is playing with Madison in the hallway with some giant exercise ball.

I go upstairs to take a shower.

I go into the bathroom that Dallas and I share with each other.

I close the door and pull down my pants.

I sit on the toilet and pee.

I check my underwear. No blood.

I wipe myself hard.

Still no blood.

I get up and turn on the shower so that it's really hot.

When I step in the shower, the water is so hot. It feels good. First, I wash my hair really good. It was starting to stink. I wash my body so hard that I should bleed. I scrub and scrub, as if I could wash away all the sadness I feel. My arms are fiery red, so I stop washing them. I wash my chubby face with some face product and step out the shower after I shut off the water.

I sit on the toilet in my towel again, and examine the skin on my wrists. Cutting this, couldn't possibly make me feel any better, could it? I brush my finger against the tender skin and sigh.

I wipe between my legs with my towel and look. Guess what? No blood.

I need to start focusing on getting my boobs to grow. Screw my period.

I go to my room and Selena's in it, which irritates me.

"I was waiting for you to get out the shower. I need to take one too." She says.

I bite my lip hard and clutch my towel against my body.

She starts undressing so she can get in the shower.

Off comes her orange hoodie. She is standing in her cami as she takes off her socks. She is so skinny. Her stomach is very very flat, and her boobs stick out. She takes off her cami next. The skin on her stomach is smooth, stretch-mark free. She has no muffin-tops. She has a silver ring dangling from her bellybutton. She is naturally tan.

I look away, because it pains me to look at her. She's perfect, and I'm…gross. I try to wait until she's gone to get dressed.

"You can get dressed in front of me, Dems. I've seen you naked before, dummy."

I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

I don't want to offend her, so I turn my back and drop my towel. I cower my hands over my stomach. I guess I don't mind if she sees my butt…

I glance over my shoulder to see if she left, but she's grabbing her towel, butt naked.

I close my eyes instantly, but that image will be burned on the back of my eyelids. She's so thin. Her boobs are a decent size. And…I swear to god, I didn't mean to look…but she's clean shaven down _there._ I cringe away at my gross body. I am fat. With stretch-marks. Small boobs. Curly, unruly, messy brown hair. And a triangular patch of hair where there's supposed to be hair below my waist. I should start shaving…

She leaves my room and I finally get dressed.

I shouldn't hate my best friend as much as I do.

I need to lose weight. I need to get bigger boobs. I need to get my period. I need to be pretty. All before tomorrow morning.

I don't think it'll happen.

I throw on a random pair of shorts and a long tshirt.

I let my hair air-dry.

I walk downstairs to get a drink of water or something.

"Do you and Selena want some cookies for snack?" My mom calls to me from the couch. She was trying to get Madison to sleep.

I bite my lip.

I open my mouth to say something, but again, nothing comes out. I just shrug.

I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and go back to the living room where Dallas is sitting.

"Dallas, why don't you go upstairs and help Demi find something to wear to school tomorrow?"

"Mom, I don't want to…I'm sure Demi knows what she wants to wear already."

"Dallas, why don't you go upstairs and help Demi find something to wear to school tomorrow?" She repeated.

Dallas catches her drift and takes me upstairs.

"They wanna talk about you." She says to me.

I nod.

"Why don't you talk?"

I shrug.

I bite my lip again.

"Nothing to say I guess…" I nearly whisper.

Dallas understands.

I don't hear the shower water running anymore, so I guess Selena's out. I go to my room to ask her a question about her belly-ring. She's not there. The bathroom door is open. I sigh and start to go downstairs.

I stop on the middle step. They're talking.

"I don't know why she just won't talk." My mom says.

"She talks around me…" Selena says in a saddened voice.

"How much?" My dad asks her.

"Not much…." Selena admits.

"Is it more than one word?" He asks her again.

"Yes…She talks to me."

"What do we do with her, Eddie? Maybe it's just a phase." My mom says.

"Phase my ass, Dianna. Either she starts talking in a week or we take her to see someone."

"She does talk though, guys. Sometimes she…just doesn't know what to say." Selena defends me.

"Okay, Selena. We're gonna trust you on this." My dad says.

Dallas comes up behind me on the steps.

"Told you so…" she whispers to me.

I blink once and have little rivers streaming down my cheeks.

I bite my lip again. Hard.

The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. My salty tears hit my bitten lips. It burns.

I bite down on my lip a little harder.

I want to scream.

I want to say something.

They don't understand that I can't.

They'll never understand that I can't.

I look at the clock.

It's only 7:30.

But I'm going to bed.

I have to mentally prepare for school tomorrow morning.


	3. Decisions

Waking up this morning actually sucked. I'm not used to getting up this early, and I'm not a morning person anyway. I slept decently last night. My bed is big enough for Selena and me to sleep comfortably.

I wake up before Selena. My mom didn't come to wake me up like she usually did. I woke up on my own. I want to avoid having to dress in front of Selena.

I climb out of my bed quietly and walk to my closet.

I grab a pair of dark skinny jeans and the infamous pink shirt. I also grab a black cami to wear under it.

I take my clothes to the bathroom.

First, I yank on my jeans. They fit snug around my hips, but they are too long for my legs. I strap on my small bra, then pull my cami over my head. I brush my teeth. I have a pretty decent smile since I got my gap filled last year. I had to beg my dad to pay to get my gap filled. I wash my face so hard I should bleed and look in the mirror. My face is chubby. I have freckles clustered on my nose. I have bushy eyebrows, and boring brown eyes. My hair is a dark brown color, and I got a blue streak in the bottom of it last week. Rebel.

I put off doing my hair until the last possible second.

I go back to my room and throw on a pair of thick socks.

School is about to suck.

I smell breakfast cooking downstairs, and Madison is talking loudly to my dad.

Selena's awake now. She's putting on her clothes, moving a lot faster than I am.

The sparkly blue shirt looks nice on her. She completes the look with a short black skirt. She looks like she was teetering on the edge of nice and slutty.

"Morning Dems." She says.

I throw a nod her way.

"Doesn't this look super cute with this skirt?" She asked me cheerfully.

The half shirt came up so that it exposed her lower stomach, and the skirt was a little too far away from her knees.

I give her a fake smile. She looks amazing, to be honest.

She digs in her bag and grabs a pair of black heels to complete her entire outfit.

I had sneakers.

She pulls her thick hair out of her ponytail and it falls in pretty curls around her chest. I bite at the scab on my lip.

She looks like a runway model, but I don't tell her that.

I bite my scabby lip harder to force the tears to stay in my eyes.

"Dems, are you gonna wear that to school?"

"….I'm gonna…." I started, but I grab the pink see-through shirt before I can finish.

I yank it over my head.

The medium size is a little tight, but it fits.

Selena sucks her teeth at me.

"Must I dress you every single morning? Take the undershirt off, Demi."

I shake my head.

"Take it off, Demi. It's high school. Your baby clothes won't cut it no more."

I continue to shake my head.

Selena's irritated with me.

"Why not? You look like a preschooler."

I scratch my ear.

I broke the scab on my lip.

I mumble a swear word under my breath.

"Will you just take the damn shirt off, Demetria?"

I lick at the gross blood on my lip so she doesn't see it.

I shake my head again.

I know that she's gonna be forceful this time.

She grabs my arms and twists the strap of my cami down off my shoulder.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

She scratches me trying to rip my cami off my body.

I bite through my lip, and blood is seeping from my mouth.

"Just stop!" I yell at her in the loudest voice I could muster up.

"I'm not gonna allow you to start high school dressed like you just stepped out of baby Guess!"

Selena's not always nice to me. She gets irritated with me easily. She gets mad that I act like a baby. I swear she doesn't like me.

I'm standing in my bedroom with Selena.

I am in my bra.

I clamp my hands across my stomach.

She doesn't realize how embarrassing this is…

My chin is covered with my blood, but she doesn't notice because she's too busy tugging at my clothes.

"Put this on." She orders me.

I grab the damned pink see-through shirt and yank it over my head.

I'm crying. Scratch that, I'm sobbing.

My tears are burning my lips.

My chest is hiccupping from my sobs and my face is salty. Selena either doesn't care, or doesn't notice.

She steps back and looks at me.

I clamp my hands over my face now.

"You look nice, Demi. What the hell are you crying for?" she snaps at me.

I just shake my head with my hands over my face, crying.

There's blood on my chest.

Selena makes a disgusted noise at me and starts with my hair.

I want to tell her to leave me alone. But I'm weak.

I swat her away and go to the bathroom. She finishes getting herself ready.

I walk into the bathroom on Dallas.

She's peeing.

"Well, shit." She mumbles, still groggy.

I just sit on the edge of the shower and weep.

"You look cute. Why you crying?"

I say nothing.

She puts her hands under my chin and lifts my head from my hands softly.

She gasps at the blood wipes my face for me.

When I'm all cleaned up, she grabs her makeup bag.

I shy away from the makeup, but she forces it on me.

She puts a thick layer of eyeliner under my lids and sweeps a soft pink colored eyeshadow across my top lids. She applies a light layer of foundation on my cheeks, and finishes me off with some mascara.

"Did Selena make you cry?" she asks me, handing me some Carmex.

I nod.

"Why?"

I open my mouth to talk. No words come out.

I put the Carmex on my lips.

Dallas rubs it in for me and starts weaving a French braid into my hair.

I clear my throat softly.

"…..She wanted me to take off my undershirt…"

"And you didn't want to?"

I shake my head.

"Why not?"

"My belly shows…"

"Who cares?"

"Me…"

"You look gorgeous Dems. Look in the mirror."

I stand up and look into the mirror.

I look pretty. Dallas leaves for a minute, then comes back with a pair of black flats.

I take off my shoes and slide the flats on.

I stand up.

Dallas tugs at my shirt to make sure the see-through part matches up with my arms and upper back. She makes sure my bra isn't showing, and my stomach is showing just a smidge.

She puts a black necklace around my neck and smoothes my hair back.

I go downstairs to the table.

Selena is already there, accepting compliments about her five star outfit.

I sit down at a plate of eggs and sausage and start eating.

"You look very…pretty Demi." My mom comments.

I give her a smile and drink some orange juice. It burns my lips.

* * *

I do not have homeroom with Selena. I do not have first period with Selena. She has French. I have Advanced Algebra 2. I do not have second period with Selena. She has Algebra 1. I have Biology. I do not have third period with Selena. She has Social Science. I have Spanish. I do not have study hall with Selena. She has Computer Applications.

I walk into the cafeteria after fourth period. I'm not sure where freshmen sit. I don't see Selena anywhere.

I just wander my way into the lunchline. I haven't spoken a word at school today.

Something green is deposited onto my lunch tray. Grey gravy is drizzled over the green shit. I take an apple. Some type of meat is stuck onto my tray. I grab milk. I go and find a seat. I sit closest to the door, furthest away from the seniors.

I'm still looking for Selena. Maybe she'll find me.

I take a small bite out of my apple.

I chew, chew, chew. Swallow.

I scan the cafeteria for Selena.

She's sitting beside some blonde girl, a red head, and a brunette.

I don't know their names.

I just stare at her from across the room.

I don't say anything to her.

I eat my apple.

I don't have sixth period with Selena. She has English. I have Web Design. I don't have seventh period with Selena. She has Study Hall. I have English. I DO have eighth period with Selena. We both have co-ed gym.

Gym with the boys. Great.

We don't have to change for gym today. Just sit and listen to the lecture.

I sit by myself on the bleachers.

Selena does not sit with me.

She sits by the blonde from lunch and a tall, muscular junior that failed his sophomore and freshmen gym classes.

She doesn't look my way.

I bite the skin around my forefinger. I bleed.

The teacher says something about changing and stuff. I do not listen.

I wish I had taken chorus instead.

Part of me wonders if maybe Selena's just mad at me for the fight we had this morning.

When the final bell rings, I grab my binders full of papers to sign and my purse.

Dallas is going to pick me and Selena up from school.

I wait for Selena by the gym exit.

When she approaches, I smile.

She's walking with the boy junior and the blonde.

I decide to speak for the first time today.

"Hey, Selena. Dallas is out front."

Selena looks at me with comedy in her eyes. She was amused.

"I'm riding the bus home, Dem Dem." She talks to me like a puppy.

I just look at her.

"…We were gonna go to Caribou Café after…" I try again.

She laughs at something the blonde whispers to her.

"Nobody goes to Caribou Café. It's all about Starbucks, silly Demi."

I'm confused.

"You gonna sit by me on the bus, Lena?" the blonde asks her.

The blonde seems nice. I want to be her friend too. If she likes Selena…she can like me too. Right? Surely Selena's told her that we're best friends. Maybe Selena just doesn't feel like introducing us.

"I'm Demi…" I say, sort of low.

Selena cracks up at some joke that I wasn't informed of.

"Cute…" the blonde says.

Maybe she didn't hear me. I decide not to say anything.

"Anyway….where'd you get that shirt, Lena? It's so cute." The blonde asks her.

"It was $7.00 at Walmart. They have it in Purple and Orange too." I squeak out, trying to be louder this time. I want to make friends…

Selena looks at me like I just slapped her mother.

"Excuse me, Sam." Selena says in an infuriated tone.

She forcibly grabs my arm and drags me to the side.

"What are you doing Demi?" she almost yells at me.

"…Trying to make friends…like you said."

"Not with my friends, stupid!"

I bite my lip again.

"Find your own friends, Demi."

"You are my friend…"

"it's high school DEMI. Stop being so dependent on me!"

"I'm…"

"Just save it!"

"What did I even do?!"

"You just told possibly the richest girl in the freshmen class that I got a shirt from WALMART."

I sigh.

"I'm sorry…maybe I could try again? Your friend can come to Carib…I mean…Starbucks too. Dallas will pay." I apologize.

"no, Demi. DON'T try again. Just DON'T."

"…do you not like me anymore?"

"you're such a baby!"

Ouch.

"I liked you better when you DIDN'T talk."

I nod once.

I drop my binders and purse.

I start walking in the opposite direction of my house.

I'm not going home.

And I'm NOT coming back to school tomorrow.

I've decided.

I don't know where I'll go.

But anywhere will be better than this.

Selena's words rang in my head.

"I liked you better when you didn't talk…" her voice kept repeating and repeating in my head.

I bit through my lip again.

Blood puddles in the palm of my hand.

She liked me better when I didn't talk.

My tears are burning my lips again.

She liked me better when I didn't talk.

So I've decided again.

I've decided that I wont talk.


	4. Walking

I walk and walk until my feet hurt.

I wonder how long it will be until someone came looking for me.

Colleyville is only but so big. Only a number of places for me to go.

When my feet start to hurt, I stop walking and sit on the curb on the sidewalk of McDonalds. I don't have a plan. I've ran many scenarios in my head. Go home, beg my mom to never make me go back to school. Go to Selena, demand to know what her problem is. Or just keep walking and eventually stop whenever I felt like it. None of those plans seem very good.

I feel like I need to get up from McDonalds. Madison and my dad like to come here sometimes for coffee and chicken nuggets on days where he gets off work early. I don't want to run the risk of being spotted here.

I get up and walk a little further. I still don't want to go home.

I reach in my pocket for my phone, and check the time. Three missed calls from mom. And two from Dallas. Whatever.

It's 5:32. I've really been walking for almost three hours. I got out of school at 2:50.

I just shrug.

I look up at the sky. It's clear, not a cloud in sight.

I push away the fact that my mom or my dad are both probably looking for me. Dallas is probably in trouble, because she was supposed to pick me up from school. I wonder if Selena came over and told them. Probably not.

I continue walking straight, not sure where to go.

I look both ways, then cross an intersection.

My lips still taste like metal, and I have a headache.

I think I'm hungry too.

I don't look down when I walk. I'm looking straight.

So I don't notice the water tube sticking from under the ground on the construction site in the parking lot of McDonalds.

I trip and fall, typical me.

I sit there, half wishing nobody saw me, half wishing that the fall would've killed me.

I check the damage.

I skinned elbow, two ripped up shoes, and a tear in the ugly pink shirt.

I sigh.

I bite my lip to keep the tears intact.

I look at the shoes.

Dallas is gonna kill me. They are both broken.

The sole is ripped out of the one I'd tripped in. and the strap is torn off the other one.

I gather the shoes up in my arms and walk barefoot.

If I had my purse, I would go into the Walmart across the street and buy me some cheap flip flops. But I ditched my purse at school.

I release my lip from my teeth and the tears just fall.

As if God wants to make my day a lot shittier, I hear a loud crack of thunder, and it starts pouring down raining. Bam. Just like that.

I'm sure to be sick tomorrow.

I just keep walking. Barefoot, cold and wet.

I walk in the only direction I know that'll lead me home.

Selena and I used to walk to McDonalds all the time. I know my way home from here. But the only way that I know home is through a shortcut. And the shortcut requires trudging through a cut of the woods. And I'm barefoot. I swallow my pride and cut through the thick trees.

I look down when I walk, to be sure that I don't step on rocks or anything. My bare feet squish through mud, and I step on a couple twigs.

I'm so hungry.

My stomach is not letting forget that, either. Every step I take, it growls. I'll be home in a little while, though. Once I get out of the trees, I have to cross the highway. The highway part is dangerous, even when you aren't barefoot. Selena and I used to pretend to play "frogger" while we dodged through the traffic. It was the only way we weren't absolutely scared of the oncoming traffic.

My stomach rumbles harshly as I reach the end of the woods. I step onto the wet concrete. I am freezing. The rain has picked up quite a bit. It is hailing now. This is just marvelous.

I wait until the two-ton pickup truck passes by, then walk to the first cross-block. I wait on the block until the next wave of cars pass, then bolt my way across the intersection.

All I have to do is continue straight, cut through a small meadow, then I'm home.

After I get out of the meadow, I walk past my neighbors, the Hansen's. The Hansen's are not home. I walk past the Johnson's. Not home, either. I walk past Selena's house. Mandy and Brian's car was in the driveway, but their house was so dark on the inside. The only light illuminating was coming from Selena's bedroom. I cross the street, and walk my muddy, wet, pruny feet up to my front door.

I shiver violently, then ring the doorbell.

My dad answers the door.

"DIANNA!" he yells.

I know he probably wants to spank me like he used to when I was three and did something naughty, but I don't care. I'm freezing and starving.

My mom comes to the door.

"Oh god." She says in a voice that sounds like she'd been crying for days. Her face is red and her makeup ran.

She pulls me in and hugs me tight.

"Oh god, oh god." She repeats herself.

She pulls me into the house.

"DALLAS! GO GET ME A BLANKET FROM THE CUPBOARD!" she demands.

Dallas runs straight upstairs and gets one.

I want to faint.

My mom will not stop hugging me.

I look into my living room.

On the couch, there are Mr. and Mrs. Hansen, the old couple that live across the street. On the loveseat are Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, the young couple that live next to Mr. and Mrs. Hansen. There's a short little cop standing off to the corner. And standing in the middle of the room, looking just as distraught as my parents, are Mandy and Brian and even Selena.

My teeth instinctively clutch down on my lip when I see her. She likes me better when I don't talk.

Dallas comes back with a thick blanket.

I wrap myself up in it.

I'm warm.

My dad hands me a cup of tea, but I refuse it. I just want some food.

My dad thanks everyone for being so concerned about me. My neighbors give me hugs and pats on the head before they leave.

Selena, Mandy and Brian don't leave.

The cop leaves.

"Are you hungry, Demi?" my mom asks.

I nod.

She sits me down in a chair while she gets me a bowl of chicken soup.

I shiver violently.

"I'm gonna get her out of these clothes, Dianna." Mandy says.

My mom thanks her.

Mandy pulls off the ugly pink shirt, wads it up, and puts it in a plastic bag. She removes my bra, too. She takes off my jeans and underwear, places them all in the bag, and ties it shut. I am naked. She pulls my long hair up into a wet bun.

"You're gonna be so sick tomorrow, honey…" She says to me.

Mandy's in nursing school. She knows what she's talking about.

She burritos me up in the blanket, and rubs my hair.

Selena comes in and takes a seat across from me at the kitchen table.

She says nothing to me.

I bite my lip.

My mom places the soup on the table in front of me.

I take a small bite.

"I have you know that Selena is grounded, Demi." Mandy speaks up.

"What for?!" Selena yells out, just as shocked as I am.

"Because you were supposed to stay with Demi. I told you to come home with DEMI. Not with Samantha, Selena."

"I JUST TOOK THE BUS HOME! IT WAS ONLY THE BUS!"

"You should have went home with DEMI."

"FINE! WHATEVER! it's not my fault I don't want to be with her all the time mom!" She hollers.

Selena gets up from the table and mumbles as she walks away, "She's weird anyway. She doesn't even talk anymore."

At this rate, my lips are never gonna heal.

Selena and her parents leave.

My parents and Dallas come in and sit down at the table with me.

They're probably gonna send me to a shrink.


	5. Goals

My mom makes me go to school the next day. Something about how its only the second day, so I can't miss.

I guess she's right.

I don't tell anyone how Selena treated me.

I still hope that we can be friends again.

There is an assembly for the first four periods today. The assembly is about schedules, periods, lunches, gym class, and "how to avoid becoming a credit-deficient freshman."

We file into the auditorium, and I sit beside the red head that Selena was sitting with at lunch yesterday.

I find out that her name is Rebecca.

I sit beside Rebecca without saying a word.

Selena is sitting by Samantha. Samantha is sitting beside Rebecca. Selena is two people away from me.

I don't even listen to the lectures we get at the assembly.

I turn my back to Rebecca.

I can feel her eyes bore into my back.

I close my eyes. It feels good.

Today, I'm wearing a light pair of jeans with rips in them, a pair of black converse, and a black ACDC tshirt. I am comfortable. But I am completely underdressed. The other freshmen girls are wearing skirts and dressy tops. Selena is wearing a navy blue flowery dress. She looks very pretty.

We get dismissed from the assembly. Rebecca steps on the back of my shoe. I stumble, but don't fall. I hear laughs from behind me. I hear Selena's laugh. I just bite down on my lip.

I go into the cafeteria and sit alone at the lunch table I sat at yesterday. Selena, Rebecca, Samantha and Brooke (the brunette) must've been kicked out of their table, because they all come and sit one table away from me. We are close enough to see each other. We are close enough to hear each other's conversations. But no one talks to me. I don't eat lunch. I'm not hungry. I just listen in on their conversation.

"So she was your best friend?" Samantha asks Selena.

"Yeah, but she got all weird and stuff. She doesn't even talk." Selena answered her.

"What's wrong with her lips? They look all gross and stuff." Brooke comments.

"She has this thing where she bites them. It's so weird." Selena says.

"You must've felt really bad for her." Rebecca concludes.

"No, she's really nice. She's super funny too. I think you guys would like her if you actually knew her. But she acts like a baby a lot of the time. Like…she doesn't even have her period yet. She's just…so weird. She was my best friend, but being around her was frustrating cause she's such a little kid."

I grab my purse and get up from the lunch table.

My lip is bleeding again, and I have to take care of it.

I pass by Selena and her "friends" on my way out of the lunchroom.

Rebecca laughs at me. Brooke snickers. Samantha stares at me with daggers. And Selena looks up at me with sorrowful eyes.

I go into the bathroom.

I'm safe in here.

Nobody can see me. Nobody can make fun of me. I am invisible.

* * *

We're not starting a real unit in gym class until next week. So all this week is dodgeball. I hate dodgeball. Mrs. Ellis, the gym teacher, might as well have bestowed death upon me.

I change into my white tshirt and black shorts, and stand beside the mat on the back wall.

Teacher splits us up into teams. I am on the team with Selena. Brooke, Rebecca and Samantha are not on our team.

Teacher blows the whistle, and everyone runs up to get a ball. I stay back.

Selena says nothing to me, but kicks a yellow ball back towards me. I grab the ball and protect myself with it.

Selena is good at dodgeball. I am not. Though nobody tries to hit me with their balls. I am irrelevant to them. Selena ducks and dodges the entire game while I stand in the back corner. She even catches a few balls. I stand in the corner. What do I have to do to get someone to hit me? Paint my naked body red with a huge target? I want to be out of the game. I don't want to play.

I keep my yellow ball in front of my face, though. Maybe if they can't see my face, they can't make fun of me.

Selena and I are the last two standing. The other team has the tall junior boy that Selena flirts with (his name is Paul), Rebecca, and Samantha. They are all still in, against us.

Paul whizzes a ball at Selena, Selena dodges it. She beams her ball at him, and hits him in his knees. Paul is out. It's me and Selena against Rebecca and Samantha.

Selena throws an orange ball at Rebecca, but Rebecca catches it. Selena is out.

She kicks two purple balls and a blue ball my way. She sits on the sidelines with the rest of the people that are out. "You can do it, Demi!" She yells.

I decide to try.

I throw the yellow ball at Rebecca. I miss. I pick up one of the purple balls and throw it at Samantha. I miss again. "Go Demi!" Selena encourages me. I go to pick up the blue ball, but Rebecca hits me in my back with a ball. I am out. Teacher blows her whistle to signal that the game is over, but Rebecca and Samantha ignore it. Rebecca grabs the biggest, most inflated orange ball and beams it at my face. Samantha hits me in the side with a blue ball.

I am vulnerable. I am weak. Instead of defending myself, I cover my face and sit down.

"The game is OVER, you idiots!" Someone yells.

I thank god for Teacher.

"Chill out, we're just having some fun." Rebecca says with a laugh.

"Oh, SHUT UP REBECCA." My defender says again. That's not teacher's voice.

"oh, just calm DOWN." Samantha snaps.

"NO! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT HER IN THE FACE! THE GAME WAS OVER!" Selena is hollering, fuming angry.

Is SHE defending ME?

I shake my head in disbelief, and get up.

I walk into the locker room to change my clothes.

I am in there for quite a while before the other girls pile in.

They know that I am in the stall.

There's a knock on the stall.

"Demi….open up. It's Samantha and Rebecca."

I shutter.

I open up the door to my stall swiftly.

They're looking me in my eyes.

"We just wanted to say that we're sorry. For what happened out there. We didn't mean any harm. We were just joking."

I smile at them and nod once.

They walk away, and I close the stall again.

* * *

Tonight, for dinner, my dad made wedding soup.

Wedding soup is my favorite, but I'm not hungry.

I sit at the dinner table and do homework while the soup is finishing cooking.

"How was school today, Demi?" my mom asks.

I open my mouth to talk, no words come out, so I just shrug.

"Did you make friends?"

I shake my head.

"Was Selena nice today?"

I nod my head.

I focus on my homework.

It is for English.

Mr. Evers, my English teacher, assigned us homework for tonight.

We have to write down ten goals for this year on a sheet of notebook paper.

So far, this is all I've got:

1. Make more friends.

2. Be nice to people.

3. Learn to speak up.

4. Join chorus.

5. Get a boyfriend.

6. Be more mature.

7. Turn into a woman.

8. Lose weight.

9. Get my belly button pierced

The tenth goal was very hard for me to think of. I don't know what kind of goals I want to achieve. I tuck the paper in my notebook for a later time.


	6. Party Party BOY

Today is mid-report.

My grades could be better, but they're not horrible.

I go over Selena's after school today.

She still doesn't speak to me as much as she used to, but she defends me against her friends, which is enough for me.

Mandy is still working at the store until 5:30 today. Brian is home with us.

Selena doesn't want to talk to Brian about school, so we go upstairs to her room to avoid it.

She invited Brooke over, and she'll be here soon.

Great.

"Demi, I'm sure you know that we need to talk." She starts with me.

I sit at her desk and listen to her.

"….I'm sure you know that we are sort of…drifting apart."

I say nothing.

"I'm not saying that we can't be friends. Cause I still wanna be your friend. But….only outside of school. And you can't get mad if I have plans with my other friends. It's nothing personal, Dems. I swear it's not personal. It's just…I have more in common with my other friends. You know? Maybe you should try to make other friends. Friends you have things in common with. Because me and you don't exactly have much in common anymore…"

I squint my eyes at her.

Find other friends?

Friends I have things in common with?

Well in case Selena hasn't noticed, I'm sort of a rare species. I'm almost certain there is no other fifteen year old that still plays Barbies with her little sister. No other fifteen year old that still has her mom choose what she wears to school. No other fifteen year old that can't wear a two-piece bikini. No other fifteen year old that wears Barbie underwear, and has a frilly pink room. No other fifteen year old that doesn't have their period, for crying out loud.

I bite my tongue.

"And that no-talking thing you've got going on is kind of…weird."

I want to smack her.

"Anyway…let's catch up. So any boys you're interested in?" she asks me.

I shake my head.

"You want to come to Rebecca's party this weekend with me?"

I nod.

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"Of course", I want to say. But I don't say that. I just nod my head.

"Paul asked me out today. Can you believe it? I mean, Rebecca told me he was going to. But I didn't believe her. It was so weird how he did it. Brooke wants to go to starbucks to celebrate."

I just stare at her.

"Aren't you excited for me, Dems? My first boyfriend of high school!"

I give her a fake smile.

"Selena! Your friend's here!" Brian calls from downstairs.

"Okay!" She screams back.

"Sorry to cut this short, Dems. But I gotta go. See you tomorrow?"

I start to open my mouth, but I close it.

I thought I would be going to starbucks with her.

Was I not invited?

I follow Selena to her front door.

"There's not enough room in Brooke's brother's car for you, Dems. Maybe you can come next time."

Brooke looks at me like I'm a leech on Selena's ass.

I walk out the door with them to go home.

I see the inside of the car.

Brooke's brother is driving. Brooke is in the passenger's seat. Selena and Rebecca are in the back. Samantha is not there. There is most definitely room for me.

I watch with tears as they drive away.

God, I hate my life anymore.

When would I get invited somewhere?

I walk across the street into my house.

Nobody greets me.

I go straight upstairs to me and Dallas' bathroom.

I look at myself in the mirror.

My lip needs stitches.

I bit straight through it.

I put more carmex on it and let it go.

My tears are burning my lips again, and it's not until then that I realize I'm crying.

I feel so lonely. I thought for sure that I was gonna start high school with my best friend, and we were gonna have lots and lots of fun.

I guess I was wrong.

I'm desperate right now.

I'm beyond ashamed of myself. Beyond.

Why do such good things happen to people who already have enough?

Now Selena's got a boyfriend. No time for Demi.

I bang my head back against the door and just cry.

I suck on my lip.

The taste of blood is gross, but I don't care.

Am I suicidal?

I don't know.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die at all. I just want to know what would happen if I did. Would Selena want to talk to me again? Would she care? Would she just ditch me?

I cry myself out then go downstairs finally.

"Oh my god, Demetria." My mom sounded disgusted with me.

She got a wet dishrag and held it on my bottom lip.

"Why do you do this? Why? What the hell is the matter with you? I don't get it. I don't get YOU." She yells at me.

She holds the rag on my lip.

"You have GOT to stop this. What kind of attention are you seeking? What do you want from us?"

I want you to get me a new best friend. I want you to get me a boyfriend. I want you to get me the hell out of here.

I sigh and hand her an envelope.

A mid-report that I'm proud of.

Advanced Algebra 2: 98%

Advanced Placement Literature: 100%

Web Design: 90%

Spanish: 103%

Biology 2: 89.6%

World History: 95%

Gym: 60%

My mom smiles at my grades and gives me a hug.

I hand her another envelope. The 'comments from my teachers' part of my mid-report.

Comments:

Mr. Thomas(Algebra Teacher) - Demetria is showing significant progress.

Mr. Evers(English Teacher) - Demi does very well in class. Her creative writing is spectacular!

Mrs. Lewis(Web Design) -

Mrs. Evancho(Spanish) –

Mr. Anderson(Biology) –

Mrs. Reacher(History) – Demi doesn't speak much in class. I am concerned. She shows satisfactory effort and progress, though.

My mom frowns at the comments, but still kisses my head for the grades.

She throws the comments away, but hangs the grades on the fridge.

I smile.

I am proud of my mid-report.

* * *

Tonight, I am going to a party with Selena.

My mom is more excited than I am.

She dresses me in a tight pair of jeans, a pair of black heels, and a black shirt that would show cleavage if I had any.

I look nice and sophisticated.

Mandy picks me up. Selena is dressed in a halter top and a jean mini skirt. She has lots of cleavage.

We get dropped off at Rebecca's house for the party.

The party is in her basement.

I stick close beside Selena, but she ditches me as soon as we walk into the garage.

I am alone now.

Selena is of course on a small couch with Paul.

I am standing alone in a corner.

I stand by myself for most of the party.

Selena doesn't say anything to me.

Nobody says anything to me.

The music is really loud, but nobody is dancing.

Everyone is talking amongst themselves and having a good time, except for me.

I don't have anyone to talk to.

I don't talk anyway.

My legs get tired and I sit down in a small chair next to the drinks.

There is no liquor supplied, but some kids brought their own beers.

I am not enjoying myself, but I am not miserable either.

It's better than being home by myself on a weekend.

I look over at Selena and Paul.

They are hardcore making out.

I crinkle my nose when I notice that Paul's hand is wedged between Selena's legs. Gross.

I sigh.

Someone sits beside me.

It is a boy.

I don't look at him, and he doesn't look at me.

When I do sneak a glance at him, I notice that he has piercing green eyes, tan skin, facial hair, spiky, wavy, brown hair, and muscles that scare me.

He seems bored.

"….Lame party." He says.

His voice is goofy and very gruff.

I look around to see who he's talking to.

Nobody else is around.

"So you're giving me the silent treatment? I don't even know you enough for that yet." He laughs.

He's talking to me?

I tuck my hair behind my ear.

".I…I..I don't talk to anyone…" I actually SAY.

"I've noticed."

I wrinkle my eyebrow at him.

"You're in my algebra class, my biology class and my gym class. Demetria, right?"

"…no…I mean…yes. But….it's Demi."

He nods.

"Jordan." He says.

I shake his hand.

I never noticed him in my classes before. I honestly never have.

"Your voice is actually really pretty."

"…Thank you. I…."

"Don't mention it."

I say nothing, because I have nothing to say.

"So you're supposed to be really good friends with that Selena girl, right?"

"Yeah…"

"She seems….not your…kind? I don't know. Sorry it's not my business."

"It's okay. I know what you mean."

"Why don't you talk to anyone?"

"….i don't know. Nothing to say, I guess."

"I think you have a lot to say…"

"I think you're wrong."

"I don't. I think I'm right. You've got a lot to say to me."

I actually smile.

His phone rings.

He answers it.

"okay….OKAY. okay, mom. Bye." He says.

"I've gotta go, Demi. But it's nice to talk to you. See you in school Monday?"

"Yeah. See you."

"I'll…um…well I'll sit by you at lunch?"

I nod really fast.

He smiles at me then leaves.

i….just….met….a…..BOY.

it's foolish, but I think about Jordan a lot for the rest of the party.

I look over at Selena again.

Paul's hand's up her skirt, her hand is down Paul's pants.

I shake my head.

I think about what Jordan said.

Maybe Jordan's right.

Maybe I do have a lot to say.

Maybe I should start to say it…


	7. Something Goes Right

I'm actually excited to go to school on Monday.

Today is Sunday, so I only have one more day to wait.

I wake up Sunday morning to the smell of waffles. Dallas is watching us today. Mom is over grandma's and Dad is working.

"More syrup! More syrup!" Madison the brat screams at Dallas.

"Okay, CHILL!" Dallas yells back at her.

"Morning Demi." Dallas says to me.

I nod.

"You hungry?"

I shake my head.

It's not a lie.

I'm not hungry. I feel yucky today. Like I drank a gallon of water and it refuses to digest.

"Demi, you okay? You look a little pale."

"….i feel funny."

"What do you mean?"

"My…stomach has these sharp pains…and my tummy feels all….watered down."

"You gotta poop?"

I shrug.

"Why don't you go to the bathroom? If you blow chunks, I don't wanna clean it."

I nod once and go to the downstairs bathroom.

I really have to pee.

I pull down my panties and sit on the toilet.

I hold my stomach. I feel so gross.

I wipe myself and pull my pants back up.

I get up and turn towards the toilet to flush it, when pink water catches my eye.

The water is pink.

I pull my panties open and look down.

My pink panties are a brilliant red.

I want to scream, but I don't talk in anything above a whisper anymore.

I walk awkwardly, with my legs spread apart to the kitchen.

I stand there with my legs apart, my underwear sticky.

Dallas is washing dishes.

"…Dall." I call her name.

She turns around.

"What, Dem?"

"I'm having a problem?"

"what is it, Demi? I'm a little bit busy."

"Um…"

Dallas turns her attention completely to me.

"What's the matter Demi?"

"….I'm…I….I need a band-aid."

"Demi, this isn't funny." She says sternly.

She grabs my wrist and looks at it.

It's smooth.

"Not there, Dallas…"

I don't know how to tell her about this. It's already embarrassing as it is.

"What are you talking about, Demi?"

"….Do you have….t….tampons? or pads?"

Dallas is quiet.

"OH MY GOSH! MY BABY!" she exclaims.

She hugs me tight and nearly jumps up my back.

"Dallas, I feel gross."

"oooh. Yeah. Sorry. Um….i have don't have pads. But I'll tell mom to buy some. Go…go hop in the shower. OH MY GOSH. Really? Let me see!"

I look at her like she has lobsters crawling out her ears.

"I just wanna see, Demi! I wanna make sure you're right!"

"Dallas, it's blood. How can I not be right?" I walk awkwardly back to the bathroom and strip myself.

Dallas follows me to the bathroom.

She takes my soiled underwear (sorry to be gross) and puts them in a plastic Walmart bag, then throws them in the trash.

I step into the shower and wash myself.

Dallas stays in the bathroom with me as she calls my mom. She puts my mom on speaker phone.

"Mom? Mommy, before you come home, you gotta stop at the drugstore."

"Why now, Dallas?"

"You gotta buy a pack of pads."

"You use tampons, Dallas stop being dumb."

"They're not for me, mom!"

"….NO."

"YES! This morning!"

"NO!...AND I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT?!"

"I KNOW!"

"LET ME TALK TO HER!"

"SHE'S IN THE SHOWER!"

"MY BABY!"

Dallas laughs.

"Dallas, you don't have ANY pads for her?"

"No, I don't have any."

"Alright. I'll be home in ten minutes. Tell her I said don't do anything until I get there. I'll bring her some midol."

"Alright, bye."

I can hardly believe it myself.

I GOT MY PERIOD.

I stand in the shower and wash myself thoroughly. I silently thank god. Thank him so much.

* * *

Last night, I had my whole outfit picked out for school.

I was going to wear a cute pair of jeans with a nice dressy shirt.

This morning, I woke up with the joy of period cramps.

My outfit was scratched.

So instead, I put on a pair of dark green Abercrombie & Fitch straight-leg sweatpants, a white undershirt, and a dark green Hollister t-shirt that has the Hollister bird on it in white.

I complete my outfit with my brand new pair of white tenner shoes, and I tie my hair up in a curly ponytail.

Dallas drives me to school.

I am excited.

Selena is not in school today. I don't care.

First period is Algebra.

I sit in my usual seat in the back of the room. We have a substitute teacher today for Algebra, which means we're just gonna do busywork.

Just before the bell rings, Jordan walks in the classroom.

I smile when I see him, and he smiles back at me.

He doesn't take his seat in the front of the room.

He sits in the empty seat next to me in the back of the room.

"Goodmorning, Demi. You look nice today." He compliments me.

"I'm wearing…sweatpants." I remind him.

"I know."

I scratch my head.

"You look nice too." I say back to him.

He actually does look nice.

He is wearing dark blue baggy skinny jeans, clean white shoes, and a purple and white plaid shirt. His shaggy hair is combed neatly to the side and not spiked today. His facial hair is also groomed nicely into a neat chin-strap. The only flaw his face has is the little dots of acne, but that doesn't bother me at all. It actually makes him look sexier. His caramel-colored skin compliments his pretty green eyes.

The sub passes out a worksheet of perpendicular, parallel and intersecting lines. All we have to do is identify the lines and turn it in. Easy day.

Jordan and I finish around the same time.

"You want me to turn yours in?" he asks.

"Please.."

He grabs my paper and turns it in with his.

He sits back down beside me and turns his chair to face me.

"You have an open seat at your lunch table today?"

"Yeah. I always do."

"Mind if I sit by you?"

"Of course not."

We are both quiet.

I like that Jordan doesn't feel the need to talk every second. It makes me feel better about being silent.

"I like your hair pulled back." He says to me.

I smile.

"Why?"

"…Don't laugh?"

"I wont."

"Because every time I see you, you have it down. And it hides your face. I like seeing your face."

I feel myself blush.

"How come I've never noticed you in class before?" I ask him. I'm asking myself too.

"It's a pretty big class. You've gotta be looking to notice me."

"So you were looking to notice me?"

"….guilty." he blushes now.

"I'm not that interesting…"

"You don't think so. But I first noticed you in gym class. When those little bitches beamed you in the face with the ball. I was just wondering why you didn't tell them to back off. You fascinate me."

I smile again.

"So you don't care that I'm….basically a mute?"

"I don't care as long as you talk to me. I like your voice."

"and you like sweatpants." I say to add some comedy.

"Well…you're always wearing jeans. Sweatpants are a nice change for you."

"You notice everything."

"Just everything about you."

"I was actually gonna wear jeans today…" I chuckle.

"So why didn't you?"

"….I just wasn't feeling like jeans this morning."

"…is it the woman thing?"

"….how'd you guess?"

"I live with three sisters, plus my mom. I know a thing or two about women issues."

I laugh hysterically.

"I like your laugh. I really do."

The bell rings, and Jordan grabs my books.

"I'll take these to your locker for you."

"Thanks Jordan."

"Don't mention it, D."

"…My mom calls me that sometimes."

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, I don't mind it."

He puts my books in my locker and walks with me to biology.

Again, he sits beside me in this class too.

"Jordan?"

"Demi?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Are you gay?"

"….Are you serious?"

"Yes…"

"No, Demi. I swear I like vagina."

I laugh.

"Why are you asking?"

"Because…if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're flirting with me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Boys don't like me…"

"…Well I do."

I bite my lip, but not hard.

"….Are you a lesbian?"

"Oh god, no."

"Just making sure."

"….You like me?"

"Very much so." He admits.

I blush. I blush hard.

"But I don't want to date you just yet. I won't ask you out. I won't pressure you. You gotta know if I'm really what you want. I wanna know you more." He looks away from me.

"…I like you too." I admit to him.

"We'll just call it a crush."

"Crush it is."

"But this…crush doesn't mean you can go flirt with other boys, okay?"

"That goes both ways."

"I won't flirt with other girls."

"How will girls know not to flirt with you, though?" I ask kind of worriedly.

Jordan is quiet for a little while, thinking.

He takes off his bracelet and puts it softly on my wrist.

His bracelet is black, and it says "I LOVE BOOBIES" on it in white writing. It's for breast cancer.

It looks out of place on my wrist, but I like it.

"Now gimme yours." He says with a smile. His smile is perfect, even through his braces.

"It's pink and sparkly, Jordan…"

"I don't mind looking like a faggot-ass fool for you, Demi." He says.

He puts my pink sparkly bracelet on his wrist.

"Now everyone will know that you aren't taken, but you're not available either." I say with a little smile, referring to my bracelet on his wrist.

"And boys will know not to even think about you." He says to me.

I smile brightly.

This….feels…

GOOD.


	8. Innocent, But Still A Whore

Today's gym class consists of whiffel ball.

I am decent at whiffel ball.

I want to play softball this year for the school team, but I'm scared I won't make it. Why does there have to be tryouts?

My dad taught me how to throw a decent pitch. I'm good at hitting the ball. What more do I need to know?

Teacher divides us into teams. I am on Jordan's team.

Our team bats first. The order has to go in boy-girl-boy-girl form.

I bat fourth, Jordan bats fifth.

Neither of us pay attention to our team. We are talking.

"You know anything about whiffel ball?"

"Yeah. I always wanted to play softball, but I'm too scared to try out. What if I don't make it?"

"You'll make it, Demi. You will. If you want, I can help you practice for tryouts."

"I'd like that."

Jordan is one of the captains of the baseball team. He is only a freshman. He is just that good at baseball. He plays for a travel team, he made the school's all-star team in middle school, and I hear he's got scholarships knocking at his door already. I don't know if that's true, but I don't ask.

I am up to bat now.

I remember what my dad told me. Keep your elbow down, your head up, your knuckles aligned, and never take your eye off the ball.

The pitcher for the other team throws me a fastball right down the middle.

I don't swing, and teacher calls it a strike.

I take a deep breath. I relax.

I set my stance again and get ready to swing.

Another fastball down the middle.

Another strike.

"Can I have time real quick, teach?" Jordan asks from behind me.

"TIME!" teacher yells.

Jordan comes up behind me.

He twists my hands on the bat, and tightens my grip up.

"When you swing, just make sure you bring the bat around fast."

I nod once.

"And your…hips."

"What about them?"

He puts his hands on my hips and turns my body.

"There you go."

"Thanks."

"Hit the ball for me."

"I'll try."

He walks back to his spot in line and claps his hands.

"TIME IN!" teacher yells again.

The pitcher gives me another fastball straight down the middle.

I choke up on the bat and swing fast.

The plastic bat cracks the plastic ball hard, and it whizzes up past a basketball hoop.

I take off and run to first, then to second, then to third.

Jordan looks at me and gives me a thumbs up.

* * *

When gym class is over, I go to the locker room and change back into my sweatpants and tshirt.

I leave the locker room and head for the exit for final bell to ring.

Jordan is standing by the door.

"You want me to walk you home?"

"No, my sister is coming to pick me up."

Final bell rings, and Jordan walks me out to where Dallas picks me up at.

"Don't you have to go catch the bus?"

"No, my dad picks me up here."

"…So why'd you ask me if I wanted to walk home?"

"I can always tell my dad to go home without me. I walk home a lot sometimes. It helps me stay in shape for baseball."

"Oh."

"Where do you live at?" he asks me.

"….I live close to Walmart and McDonalds. On Summit Drive."

"I live on Douglas Boulevard."

"That's where the rich people live."

"Well poor people don't live on Summit Drive, either."

I laugh.

"You have to come over and come swimming one day, Demi."

"To your house?"

"Yeah. My mom won't mind. My sisters would probably like you."

"What are your sister's names?"

"Jessa, Janet and Juliana."

"All J names…"

"Yep. What's your sister's name?"

"I have two. Dallas is the older one. Maddie is the younger."

"You're the middle child?"

"Sadly."

Dallas pulls up in her little yellow car and beeps.

Jordan's mom is in the big black escalade behind her.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Demi."

"See ya."

To my surprise, he pulls me into a warm hug. I hug him back.

He rests his chin on the top of my head, and plays with my ponytail.

"I'll message you on facebook. Yanno….just in case it's still too early to have the phone number." He laughs.

I have my arms wrapped real tight around his waist.

He is inhaling my hair.

I let his waist go.

"You need to let me go now, Jor. Dallas doesn't like to wait."

He laughs a little.

He smells so good. He smells like cologne and laundry detergent.

"I'll see you tomorrow Demi."

He finally lets me go.

I go to the car, and he goes to his car.

"…..Who. is. THAT?" Dallas questions me as we drive away.

"His name is Jordan." I smile.

"He is CA-UTE. Go demi. Go demi."

I laugh at her.

* * *

After I get home, I go over Selena's to take her the work she missed in school today.

"Hey Demi. Long time no see." Mandy greets me when I walk through her door.

I wave, then go straight upstairs to Selena.

She is in her room, laying lifelessly on her bed.

I shut the door behind me and set her work down on the night table.

"Hi Dems. How was school?"

I smile wide.

"That good?"

I nod.

I sit down on her bed.

"How come you weren't in school today?" I whisper.

"….Paul dumped me. Yesterday, he dumped me."

I have to hold back a serious laugh.

"So you missed school?"

"He's spreading around lies about me now, Demi. He's telling everyone that I gave him a blow job at Rebecca's party. But I didn't do that!"

I felt a little bit bad, but mostly satisfied.

"All we did was hand stuff. That's all. I didn't do anything other than that.."

I give her a hug.

"I believe you…" I tell her.

She smiles though she is crying.

"So what's up with you? Anything to tell me?"

"Well….I met a boy."

She laughs.

"A BOY?!"

I nod.

"Is he one of the ones that sit at the weirdo table?"

I shake my head.

Why is it so hard for her to believe that a boy – a CUTE boy would talk to me? Surely, I'm not that hideous.

"Who is he then?"

"….His name is Jordan."

"Jordan _Thompson?_"

I nod.

She laughs hysterically.

"Demi, he's one of the most popular guys in our freshmen class. He's a baseball star and everything!"

"…So?"

"Are you sure he's not just trying to be nice?"

She's making me angry.

I glare at her, then get up off her bed.

"And I got my period yesterday morning." I tell her very matter-of-factly.

Her eyes widen.

"OH MY GOSH ITS ABOUT TIME. I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU'D NEVER GET IT!"

I squint my eyes at her and bite my lip.

Jordan's words ring in my head.

_I think you've got a lot to say, Demi. _

I release my lip from my teeth, and turn to Selena.

"Yanno, having fun in high school doesn't mean being boy-crazy. Maybe you wouldn't be in such a miserable place right now if you weren't so easy. Paul asked you out on Friday, you let him finger you on Sunday. That's gross, Selena. And Jordan d_oes_ like me. For your information. Maybe next time, you'll think before you lift up your skirt for some boy. Just a word of advice. From one "best friend" to another." I snap at her then leave.

It felt good to say that to Selena.

I hope she's not too mad at me.

I still wanna be her friend. And I DO feel bad for her. But I felt like she needed to know that.

I leave Selena's house then go to mine.

I have to eat dinner, do homework, take a shower then get on facebook.

I can't wait to talk to Jordan.


	9. Grown Up Things To Do

It is thanksgiving break.

Tomorrow is thanksgiving day.

We are out of school for a week, and report cards were sent home the day before we left for break.

I stayed over Selena's house last night, so when I woke up this morning, I was in her room.

Selena has really toned herself down quite a bit since the day I told her about herself, nearly three weeks ago.

There's a party nearly every weekend, but Selena doesn't go.

Paul asked her back out, but she said no.

Instead of going out and getting herself into trouble, Selena spends most of her free time with me.

I'm really feeling like I have my best friend back, and she's not so mean to me anymore.4

But I still don't talk. I don't want to risk getting her mad at me again.

"Goodmorning, Demi." She says to me brightly.

"Morning…" I mumble.

"Want some cereal or something?"

I nod.

She goes downstairs, and I follow.

Neither of her parents are home, but that doesn't bother us.

She grabs two bowls from the cabinet, and hands me one.

"Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms, Honey Combs or Cheerios?"

"Cheerios, please." I mumble again.

She hands me the box of Cheerios and I pour myself a big bowl with some milk.

We eat together.

"…..Dems?"

"Hmm?"

"I know I haven't been the nicest to you. And I'm sorry. I was just…so caught up in high school, and wanting to be popular that I would do anything to get it, including hurt you. I'm sorry."

I crack a soft smile.

I reach over and give her a hug.

I kiss her head.

"Why don't you talk, Dems? I know I haven't been the best friend I can be lately, but you used to talk to me all the time. Now all you do is whisper, mumble or nod…why?"

I clear my throat.

"When….i….accidentally told Samantha….that you got the shirt at Walmart….you…told me you like me better when I don't talk…"

"I didn't mean that, Dem."

"I know…"

"So…um….tell me about Jordan. He seems nice."

"He's so….sweet. and nice. He is so nice to me, Selena."

"Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Not yet."

"I'm happy for you, Dems. I really am. You deserve to be happy."

I smile again.

"What about when you started yours?! How come you didn't call me?! When did it happen?!"

I smile bigger.

"I just woke up one morning and I had it."

"…That's really neat, Dems. I'm happy for you."

"it was just really weird. Cause one morning I didn't have it. Then the next, I did."

"…So do you shave it now?"

"No? should i?"

"Boys don't like hair…"

"No one's even down there to see it."

"That's true. I'm not telling you to shave it. But I'm just saying that I like it better shaved. It's a lot better when you're on your period, too."

"…I don't know how to…"

"You get a razor and use soap, not shaving cream."

"…I want to…"

"Do it while you're in the bath."

"….I'm scared to…"

"….Come on." She says.

She grabs my arm and drags me to her bathroom.

"Selena, this is weird."

"I'm gonna let you do it yourself." She says.

She turns on the shower water and hands me a wash rag, a new bar of soap and a clean razor.

"How long is it, first?"

"….I dunno…"

She leaves me in the bathroom alone for a few minutes, but comes back with a pair of grooming scissors.

"Cut it first. So that it's not too long when you shave."

"Okay….but how do i….get all of it?"

"Just don't be afraid."

"Okay…"

She leaves the bathroom.

I pull down my pants and sit on her toilet.

I trim it down so that it's not too long.

I feel a little uncomfortable shaving it off, but I really want to shave it.

It's the…big girl thing to do.

When I'm sure that it's short enough, I get into the shower. I want to avoid the shaving part until the last possible second.

I wash my body first.

I wash my face last, the soap stings my lip.

I still bite it from time to time, when I don't want to talk.

When I'm all finished, I hang my rag on the bar where the rest of them are.

I grab the razor, and use the bar of soap to lather myself up.

I'm scared to do it, but I really need it done.

I don't even think about what I'm doing as I sheer all the hair below my waist off.

It comes off easily, I'm happy that I don't have to fight with it. I'm afraid of cutting myself.

I shave myself thoroughly, careful around the parts where I fold.

When I run my hand over it, it is smooth and hair-free.

I like it.

I shut off the water and step out of the shower.

I wrap a towel around myself, gather up my pile of clothes, and walk to Selena's room.

Selena is on her computer.

"How'd it go?" she asks me.

I shrug honestly.

"Can I see it?"

I bite my lip harder than I have recently, and lift up my towel.

"…..Looks good. You didn't miss any spots." She says. She turns her attention back to her computer.

I dry myself, then get dressed.

I reach in my bag and grab my usual pink panties, and slide them on.

I throw my bra on too.

"…Oh, Demi." Selena says.

I turn around, frightened at what she might have saw.

"What?" I ask.

"You're losing weight. You look really good. I can't even notice your love handles anymore."

I smile.

"….You don't feel good about yourself, do you?"

I shake my head, shamed.

"….Every girl should feel sexy. Especially when they're naked." She says.

I just shrug.

She gets up and goes to her drawers.

"I want you to have something…" she says.

She breaks open a new pack of underwear, and a pack of the matching bras. The tags on them say "Victoria's Secret".

"Sam bought these for me while we were at the mall a little while ago. I've never worn them yet. I want you to have these."

She hands me bright green underwear with black lace trim and the matching bra.

"Thanks…but the bra isn't my size."

"You gotta learn to emphasize on what you got, Dems."

"I don't…have much."

"You have enough. Look." She encourages me.

I take off my dingy, pink, unpadded bra and throw it on the floor.

She hands me the lime green and black bra. It is padded, with thin pad up top, and thicker pad on the bottom.

"It's a push up. And it's a 32B. I bet you can fit it."

I put the bra on, and adjust it. The cups do not match up with my boobs.

"It doesn't fit…" I say, sort of sadly.

"Just hold on." She stops me, walks behind me, and starts tugging on the straps.

She tightens the bra so that they do match up.

The bra makes me look like I have boobs that are at least a size C.

"See?"

I smile at myself in the mirror.

"Now the underwear."

I slide off my drab pink underwear and put on the green ones.

"I told you you were pretty Demi."

I turn around in the mirror.

I am slimmer. I have sort of big boobs in this bra, and I don't have gross pubic hair between my legs. The only flaw I can see is the pink stretch-marks, but they are barely noticeable. I do feel better about myself.

"Now all we gotta do is get your belly button pierced and you'll be a knockout."

"Thanks, Lena."

"Don't mention it. I sort of owe you."

* * *

I spend the majority of the day reconnecting with Selena.

It's nice to feel like I have my best friend again.

At Selena's house, she gives me a makeover.

She puts makeup on my face and makes me look really pretty.

She puts me in short shorts and a tank top that exposes my new-found cleavage.

I look really pretty, and it feels good.

She even straightens my hair.

She loves my hair. She tells me that it's pretty, and I should straighten it more often.

Over my house, we go through my closets and pick out things that I should wear to school, and things that Selena can have.

We honestly have a lot of fun together.

More fun than we've had in months.

And I'm worried.

Worried that it'll end.

But as long as I keep up my classy-lady act, I don't think it will end.

I'm determined to make it last.


	10. My First Kiss? Condom!

After Selena leaves, I'm bored, but still in a really good mood.

I go and watch TV with Dallas.

We're watching Friday the 13th, and Madison is too scared to come around.

"You and Selena seemed to have had a good time."

I nod.

She hands me Carmex.

I touch my lip and realize that it's not bleeding.

I look at Dallas, confused.

"Your lip is healing nicely. Put some of this on it."

I listen to her and rub some on.

"When are you gonna start talking again?"

I shrug.

My mom comes through the door with the mail.

"Demi, you've got something in the mail."

I get up without a word and go check it out.

It's a small package. No bigger than the size of a digital camera.

I take my package and sit back in the living room with Dallas.

"oooh. What's that?" Dallas asks.

I shrug once and pull the tape off the box.

There's no return address on it, so I don't know who it's from.

I shake the cardboard outside, and a smaller leather box falls out of it, along with a folded piece of paper.

I grab the paper first.

Inside the paper is a smooth piece of paper. A receipt.

I look at it confused.

I open up the folded paper all the way and read what is written:

Happy Thanksgiving, Demi.

I left the receipt with you. Just in case it doesn't fit or something.

Call me when you get it. Hope you like it :)

-Jordan

I smile very big, and blush bright pink.

I open up the small leather box, and there is a very pretty, sparkly necklace inside.

The necklace is silver, and the charm is two silver hearts woven inside each other. It is the prettiest thing I have ever seen.

"MOM! DEMI'S GOT A BOOOOOYFRIEND!" Dallas teases.

I throw one of the couch pillows at her.

My mom comes in and looks at the necklace and the note.

I am still blushing.

"Oh, good lord." My mom says with a smile.

"If he's getting you something for thanksgiving I can only imagine what he'll do for you on Christmas." She comments before she helps me clasp the necklace around my neck.

"You gonna go thank him?"

"Yeah." I whisper.

I grab my cell phone and call him.

I walk outside to my patio as the phone is ringing.

He answers on the third ring.

"Hi…." He says. His voice makes me melt.

"Hello…" I say coolly.

"You get your present?"

"Yes…"

"You like it?"

"Love it."

"I'm glad. I was gonna bring it over myself. But I decided that mailing it would be the best way to go because I wasn't real sure of your address."

"Thank you. So much."

"Are you smiling right now?"

"…Maybe." I was smiling. I was smiling huge.

"I'd kill to see it."

I almost fainted.

He was so perfect.

"Um…Demi?"

"Yeah?"

"….My mom's been buggin me about this…but…do…do you want to come over? We can swim, or watch a movie. Or go play in my game room. My mom just really wants to meet you. She helped me pick out the necklace and she's been curious ever since."

"….I'd love to….but I have to ask my mom."

"Okay…"

"Hold on a second."

"Sure."

I go back in the house and find my mom in the freezer looking for something to eat that she doesn't actually have to cook.

"Mom?"

"What's wrong Demi? Are you sick?"

"….No?"

"You're talking. So I assumed you were sick."

"…I'm not. i… I just wanna know… can I go over Jordan's? To go swimming and watch a movie and stuff?"

"…..I don't care. But I'm taking you."

"Okay. Give me a minute to get dressed."

"Alright Honey."

I get back on the phone with Jordan.

"I'm allowed…um…I'll be over in like…ten…twenty minutes." I tell him.

"Okay. Text me when you're here."

"Okay."

"See you."

I hang up and go up to my room.

I don't have a suitable bathing suit.

"Dallas?"

"What, Demi?"

"Can I borrow one of your bathing suits?"

"Um…Gross?"

"Please, Dallas? Please? I can't wear my crappy one piece."

"Where are you going?"

"Over Jordan's…"

"OH MY WORD. YOUR FIRST DATE!?"

"Dallas. The bathing suit?"

"….Let me see what I've got."

"Something with padding in it would be nice."

"Beggars can't be choosers, young grasshopper."

I give her a dirty look.

She rummages through her drawers, and pulls out one of her old bathing suits.

The bathing suit has zebra print, cheetah print and pink ruffles on it. It is a two piece.

It'll do.

I grab it off her and go to my room to put it on.

It fits right, and the padding does my boobs some justice.

I pull on a pair of shorts and a halter top over the bathing suit and slide on my flip flops.

I grab one of my big beach towels and head downstairs.

"I'm ready mom."

"Okay honey, come on."

I almost run out to the car.

I give her directions to Jordan's house, and we're there in about five minutes.

I tell Jordan that I'm here, and he comes outside to get me.

I wave to my mom, and she drives off hesitantly.

I'd be more worried about her just letting me go like that if I didn't know that she has Jordan's mom's phone number.

I cringe at that thought, and just go with Jordan.

"Hey, kid. Nice to see you." He greets me.

I smile. "Nice to see you too."

He gives me another one of his amazing hugs, and he rests his chin on my head.

"Sorry about pressuring you to come over. It's my mom, really." He explains as he lets me go.

"it's okay."

He leads me into his house.

He lives in the section of town where all the rich people live.

His house is very big and extremely nice on the inside.

He has me by my hand and takes me through his hallway.

Spongebob is playing in a big living room to my left, and there's nice furniture in another living room to my right.

It smells like apples and paint in his house.

He takes me into the kitchen where his mom is sitting at the island, reading a cook book.

"Mom…This is Demi."

His mom looks up.

She is a short blonde woman, and she is rather petite. Her blonde hair is shorter, with little flips in the ends, and brunette streaks. She wears glasses that make her look really smart, and she is dressed in Capris and a t-shirt, yet she still looks classy.

"Hello, Demi. I'm Joyce. Nice to FINALLY meet you. Jordan's told us ALL about you."

I blush.

"Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Thompson." I whisper.

"Jordan did mention that you were a quiet little thing."

I feel myself shrink.

"We're gonna go outside and swim, mom. Call us when the cake is done. Tell dad to come out and meet her."

"Okay, Jordan. Juliana and Jessa should still be outside with their friends."

Jordan grabs my hand again and takes me to his backyard.

His backyard is so nice, I feel poor.

There's a big heated pool, with a slide and a diving board. Next to the pool is a trampoline, a basketball hoop, and a net for baseball pitching.

"Do you wanna get in the pool? Or you wanna jump on the trampoline? Play a game of basketball?" he asks.

"I don't care what we do…"

He looks into the pool and frowns at how crowded it is with his sisters and their friends.

"Let's go sit on the trampoline." He suggests.

"Okay." I agree.

We get onto his trampoline and just sit.

"I'm glad you came over…"

"Me too…"

"You're wearing the necklace I got you…"

"Of course I am. You're still wearing my pink bracelet."

He laughs, "I never take it off."

I cross my legs and fumble with my necklace.

"Demi?"

"Yeah?"

"….Do you actually like me?"

"….Yeah. I do. More than I originally thought I did."

He smiles.

"What do you like most about me?"

That's a hard question.

"….I…I really like your hugs." I laugh at my own answer.

He laughs too.

"What about me? What do you like most about me?" I ask.

"That's easy. Your smile and the way you smell."

"The way I smell? Weirdo!"

He laughs again, "You smell like the shampoo my sister's use. It smells good."

"Pantene?"

"If it comes in a white bottle, then that's it."

I smile at him.

"I could watch you smile all day."

"I could hug you all day."

I really have gotten better at this flirting thing.

He opens his arms to me, "Hug me then. I'm free."

I scoot toward him and fall into his arms.

He catches me and wraps his arms around me.

"…Can I do something?" he asks me.

"I don't…Depends on what it is."

"You might get mad at me…"

"….I promise I won't be too mad."

"…Just hold still." He instructs me.

I do as he says.

He leans down and touches his soft, cool, smooth lips to mine. He doesn't force his tongue into my mouth or crush our lips together. He just brushes them together, and keeps them there.

I close my eyes and let it happen.

When he pulls away, it makes a sucking sound.

"…That's just how I thought it would be." He whispers as he tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.

I hold his hand, and he strokes my knuckle.

"…Does this mean you're my boyfriend?"

"Only if it means you're my girlfriend…"

* * *

I go back to school after thanksgiving break with a boyfriend and a padded bra.

Selena seemed very happy for me to have Jordan, though I felt bad sometimes because Jordan and me HAD to be annoying when we'd hold hands.

She didn't seem to mind, though.

Selena sits by me at lunch now, and she sticks to me like glue anymore. I don't care. I like having her around. I missed her.

I feel bad for her too, because she has a pretty bad reputation because of Paul. I know some freshmen that have done worse than get fingered by a guy.

"Dem, you want my milk today?" Selena asks me as she plops down next to me at the lunch table.

Jordan had to leave early today because he had to get his braces tightened.

"No. I'm fine." I reply.

"Did you study for that math test you had? How'd you do on it?" she asks.

"I think I failed it. But oh well. What about your Social Studies test?"

"I passed that. I think I'm gonna ditch gym today."

"I'll ditch with you. But why do you wanna ditch?"

"Paul's in there…"

"Oh… screw him Lena. He's a jerk."

"Tell me something I don't know. You're so lucky you have Jordan."

"You should give more guys a chance. You turn everyone down."

"I'm scared they'll do what Paul did. Everyone hates me because they think I'm a slut."

"Everyone doesn't hate you, Lena. They just don't know what kind of a person you are like I know."

"Demi, I get called a whore by everyone. It sucks."

I give her a pat on her wrist. "It'll be okay. People just need time to forget. You'll find someone."

"I hope you're right, Dems."

The lunch bell rings.

Both Selena and I get up, empty our trays and head off to our lockers.

"I can't help but think everyone's staring at me, Dems."

"You're just paranoid…"

Selena stops at her locker, which is three lockers down from mine.

She twists the lock and opens her locker.

The sight next….MORTIFIES me.

About six dozen unwrapped condoms spill out of Selena's locker, and she looks down at them in horror.

I feel bad for her.

My jaw is on the floor.

Selena starts sobbing right then and there.

Laughter fills the hallway, and many kids point and laugh at her.

I wish I knew what to say.

She stands there for a few moments, looking at the mess of condoms in the hallway before she turns and bolts for the door.

I look down at the pile of condoms too.

I hear a couple people yell "SLUT!"

I finally make the decision, and I turn and run after her.

"Selena!" I yell.

But she's out the door.

I have to find her.


	11. Sanctuaries, Kisses and Slutty Lockers

When I finally catch up with Selena, she is well on her way home.

I'm worried that we will get in trouble for just leaving school like this, but maybe we'd be excused if the authorities knew the reason why we left.

Against my better judgment, I follow Selena until she finally stops running, about a block away from our houses.

We are both out of breath.

"Sel…Selena. Slow down." I say, huffing.

She is sobbing.

"I'm not going back there, Demi."

"You can't run away from it forever. You can't! you'll just let them win! It'll get better…. It will."

"Well it can't get any worse."

I clench my teeth down on my lip. I have nothing else to say to that.

She gets tired of walking, and sits down on the curb. I sit beside her.

"Everyone hates me, Demi. I have no one anymore." She sniffs and wipes her face with the backside of her hand.

"You have me…"

She smiles a little, then scoots by me and hugs me.

I hug her back.

"We should probably go back to school, huh?" She concludes with a sniffle.

"….No. Let's just ditch for the rest of the day. I've got some money. Let's go to your house and order a pizza or something." I suggest.

We both get up and walk the rest of the way to her house.

We let ourselves in, and nobody is home. Just the way we like it.

"You tell your mom about how they treat you?"

"She knows that I get called names. She called the principal and said that she wants a stop put to this immediately. She'll flip her lid when she finds this one out."

"Rightfully so."

Selena grabs a menu to the local pizza place.

"How much money you got? I have a few dollars from my allowance." She says.

"I've got a twenty and a ten on me right now." I reply.

"I wanna get a Stromboli."

"ooh, get a steak one." I say excitedly.

"We can split it."

"And I'll get an order of hot wings." I add to the list.

"You want garlic sticks?" she asks.

"Cheese sticks are better."

"Let's get some of those cinnamon sticks too." She suggests.

"And a bottle of Sunkist?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"What do we get on the pizza?"

"Let's get a supreme. Without the anchovies and ham."

I grab the phone and order all the food. The total is $33.98.

I don't mind being fat around Selena.

"Demi? You really think things will change?"

"At school?"

"Yeah…"

"Yes I do. It can't stay this bad forever."

"I hope you're right."

I bite my lip. Nothing to say again.

"Let's go get in pajamas." She says.

I get up and follow her upstairs.

She tosses me a t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants.

We get dressed together, in silence.

After we're both comfortable in our PJs, Selena grabs a bunch of pillows, two blankets, and her giant quilt off her bed.

We go back downstairs, and she sets up a resting place for us in her living room, right in front of the TV.

I sit down on one section of the makeshift bed. She sits beside me.

"Where was Jordan today?" she says to fill the silence.

"He had to get his braces tightened."

The doorbell rings just then.

It's the food.

I go and answer the door and pay for the food.

I bring the food to our spot in the living room, and Selena already grabbed plates and cups.

It occurs to me at this moment, that here in Selena's living room, we are safe. Safe from being forced to speak when I don't want to. Safe from being called a whore. Safe from being tormented and made fun of because I don't speak. Safe from having condoms stuffed in lockers. We are safe from the outside world. This is our sanctuary.

We both sit down and demolish the food. Grease is running from my chin, Selena is licking her fingers. We are BOTH fat.

Selena turns on the TV to an episode of Parental Control, and we both watch, eat and watch.

"Demi?"

"Hmm?" I pull a long, stringy piece of cheese off my pizza.

"Will you tell me the real reason why you don't talk to everyone?"

"…."

"Please, Demi. I have my own theories, but I wanna hear it from you."

"Nobody really knows how unhappy I am, Selena. And I don't want everyone to know. I don't want everyone to feel pity for me. So I don't say anything at all. I don't know why, I just don't. I don't want to risk letting anyone know how unhappy I am."

"Why are you unhappy?"

"…Don't blame yourself. Please."

"I….wont?"

"….Being best friends with you doesn't exactly help me, Selena. You're so much…more grown up than I am. Much prettier. I always compare myself to you, and it sucks. I try not to, but I always do."

"…I'm sorry Demi."

"Don't be. Not your fault."

"So you don't talk because of me?"

"That's not it, Selena. I don't really know why I don't talk. I honestly don't know. I mean, I think it's because I don't wanna tell anyone how sad I really am. But I don't know if that's actually it. You know?"

She nods, trying to understand me.

"I think maybe it's because I never have anything to say."

She hugs me.

We finish eating.

When we are both full, we both lay down.

"Demi?"

"Huh?"

"I love you. Thank you for being my best friend…Even when I didn't deserve it."

I smile at her.

We fall asleep.

We need to skip school more often.

* * *

I'm once again excited to head to school today. I get to see Jordan.

When I get to school, the first thing I notice is that Selena's not here.

I didn't expect her to come today after yesterday.

In first period, Jordan sits by me.

"I missed you yesterday." He greets me as he sits down.

"I missed you too."

"Can I…have a kiss?" he asks with a smirk.

I roll my eyes at him and laugh. Before the late bell can ring, and before the teacher can come in, I lean in and Jordan presses his lips against mine.

He holds my hand tightly as he pulls away.

"I'm never gonna get enough of that." He says.

I'm blushing.

We learn about what lines add up to for the next 45 minutes of class.

"Demi…"

"What?"

"Nothin. Just like sayin your name."

I chuckle.

"So what'd you do yesterday without me?"

"Ehh…nothing. Me and Selena ditched after lunch."

"Why?"

"People pick on Selena, and she just needed a break."

"I can understand that. "

I nod once.

"You ever…talk to Selena about the way she's feeling?"

"All the time."

"You're a good friend to her, Demi."

"She's my BEST friend."

"I can see that."

The bell rings for us to go to our next class, and Jordan walks me to my locker.

I pass by Selena's locker on my way to my own, and notice that the word "SLUT" is written on it in red lipstick.

I want to cry for her. Thank god she isn't here to see this.

I make a mental note to come clean that up before tomorrow.

* * *

When Dallas picks me up from school, I tell her to drop me off at Selena's before she goes across the street to go home. She listens.

I take Selena her missed work.

I knock, then walk straight in.

Brian says hi to me, I nod at him and walk right upstairs.

"Hey Lena."

She is laying in her bed. I can tell that she's been crying.

"Hey Dems…" she says in a cracky voice.

"What'd I miss today?" she asks.

"Nothing." I lie to her.

"You don't have to lie, Demi."

I'm caught.

"What do you mean?" I try to keep the lie up.

"Who wrote it?" she asks.

"….Wrote what?"

"Stop acting stupid, Demi!"

"….How'd you know?"

"Fucking PAUL sent me a picture of it."

"I don't know who wrote it. But we're gonna find out…"

"I'm not coming to school tomorrow either."

"You can't let them win, Selena. You HAVE to come."

"Yeah, RIGHT Demi. I'm getting threatened now. Samantha heard that I want to go out with Luke. Her boyfriend Luke. And now her, Brooke and Rebecca wanna beat me up. But I don't even like Luke, Demi! I don't know, Demi…I can't go to school anymore."

I give her a meaningful hug.

"It's okay. You're okay. Just ignore people. Principal Walters will put a stop to this soon enough. You just gotta keep telling your mom."

"How do I tell my mom this, Demi?!" she screams at me. I don't get mad at her because I know she's upset.

"Tell your mom what?"

She gets out of her bed and goes over to her computer. She switches it on, logs onto her facebook, and goes to her wall.

Post after post after post on her wall is dominated by the words "SKANK, BITCH, WHORE, SLUT, EASY and UGLY."

One post from this girl named Amber even says, "You're such a slut, even your mom doesn't want you. Freshmen in high school and you already sucked off the whole football team!"

Some very nasty things are written to her.

"So just delete it!" I say to her. I am angry now.

"My mom's gonna believe it. Demi, you know that I'm not a slut, right? I'm still a virgin. I didn't do any of the things those girls are saying I did. I swear…"

"I know. I believe you. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to school tomorrow, and we're gonna demand to speak to Principal Walters. And we're gonna demand that he puts a stop to this. And we're gonna bring your mom in with us, too. It's gonna get better, Selena. It's going to…"

"You've been saying that for forever, Demi. It's not getting better!"

"But it will. People aren't taking this seriously. They need to take this seriously."

She sniffs and hugs me tight.

"I love you, Demi."

"I love you too, Selena."


	12. No No No NO!

The next day at school, Selena walks in with me and Jordan.

She keeps her head down the whole time and tries not to bother anyone.

Some people point and laugh, but Selena toughs it out. I am proud of her.

Principal Walters took a few vacation days, so Mandy can't speak to him about the bullies until he gets back.

I convince Selena to toughen it out until the meeting. She agrees reluctantly.

"I'll see you at lunch, Lena. Just remember…keep yourself together." I tell her as we depart and head for first period.

First period passes by in a daze, while I worry about Selena.

Second period flies by too.

Fourth period goes slower.

By lunch, I am anxious to see Selena and know how her day went.

I sit down at the lunch table and Jordan sits next to me.

Everyone else files into the lunch room, and I scan for Selena.

I don't see her.

Jordan notices my preoccupation.

"Maybe she's in the bathroom, Demi." He says.

I nod, "I'm gonna go look."

He moves over so that I can slide out of the chair, and I head for the bathroom.

The bathroom is silent, except for the soft muttered cries coming from the biggest stall.

I look at the feet of the person, and they are the familiar black converse.

"Selena?" I call.

The crying stops and a tired "What?" sputters out.

"Open the stall. It's just me."

She unlocks the door and lets me in.

I follow her in, and she is bawling.

I sit down on the floor next to her and hug her.

"What's wrong? What happened?" I ask her.

"They keep calling me a slut and stuff and they put more condoms in my locker, Demi. Rebecca said her and Sam are gonna beat me up in gym today. I wanna go home."

"…I'll fight with you if they do decide to jump you. I promise. It'll be okay….it'll be okay."

"It's not gonna be okay, Demi."

"Yes it will!"

It takes a lot of convincing, but she finally comes out of the bathroom and into the lunch room with me.

Rebecca throws a small French fry at her, which is uncalled for, I think.

She sits down beside me and Jordan and keeps her head down.

Jordan hands Selena a tissue.

Samantha throws an apple at Selena, but misses and it thunks on the table beside her.

Selena starts crying.

"It's gonna be okay…Maybe you should ask your mom to home school you or something." Jordan suggests.

She nods, as if she's been considering this option.

* * *

In gym class today, we are playing basketball.

I nearly have to drag Selena into the gym.

"Come on. It'll be okay." I say to her.

She holds back her tears and follows me into the locker room.

All the girls are silent in the locker room when Selena walks in.

She goes and changes in the stall that I usually change in.

I finish changing my clothes and wait for Selena by the door.

I take my eyes off the door for one minute before I see Rebecca pick the lock of the stall (it's not a hard thing to do) and bust in on Selena while she's changing.

I bite my lip hard, because I don't know what else to do.

"So I hear you want to go out with Luke, you whore. Too bad Luke doesn't want you. Luke doesn't go after sluts." Rebecca says to her.

I see Selena in the corner, holding her shirt to her bare body so that nobody could see her.

I close my eyes as if the image would go away.

When I open my eyes, Rebecca is in the stall with Selena, holding her back.

"Get her, Sam! Get her! For trying to get with Luke!" Rebecca yells.

Selena cannot defend herself.

She is held down by Rebecca, in nothing but her bra and a pair of shorts. Obviously humiliated.

Samantha comes into the stall with her, apparently to beat Selena up.

I get a hold on myself, and grab Samantha's arm.

"Leave her alone! She didn't do anything to you!" I scream at her.

"Look who's TALKING!" Samantha laughs in my face.

I want to kill her, but I'm not a violent person, and I've never been in a fist fight before.

She tries to rip away from me to get after Selena, but I tighten my grip up on her. I have fought with Dallas before, and I know that I am incredibly heavy-handed.

"I SAID LEAVE HER ALONE!" I scream again.

Samantha tries to throw a punch at me, but I move.

I grab her other arm and hold her back from Selena.

"SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!"

"Stay out of it, you freak! It's not your business!"

"SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND, IT IS TOO MY BUSINESS!"

The brunette girl, Brooke, comes up behind me and pulls me off Samantha. Me and Brooke start to scream at each other while Samantha goes after Selena. I don't see much, but I do hear Selena crying, and I HAVE to help her.

I don't like to fight…

But I put my hand in Brooke's face and bash her head into the locker, then I go into the stall where Selena is being held down and beat up.

I know I'm already going to get suspended, and the gym teacher will be here soon enough, so I decide to make it worth it.

I pull Samantha's blonde hair so hard that a clump of it comes out in my hand, and she has no choice but to get off Selena. Rebecca decides to come after me now, and Selena gets up off the ground, her face incredibly bloody.

The gym teacher is in the locker room now, demanding that everyone breaks it up, and goes to the office.

Today, my mom picks me up from school instead of Dallas.

The substitute principal called her and told her about the locker room brawl.

I get in the car, ready to hear an earful.

"….I think you are foolish for fighting, Demetria."

I bite my lip, bracing myself for this.

"But I'm not mad at you, honey. I know you had to defend Selena. And I'm proud of you for that. But I did NOT raise you to fight." My mom says.

I chew on my thumbnail, and that's that.

* * *

I'm not grounded, but I am suspended for three days.

I don't care.

When I get home, the first place I want to go is Selena's.

I'm not allowed, though.

I have to stay home until my dad gets home to talk to me about the fight.

After my dad lectures me, I can go over Selena's.

I wait impatiently for him to get home.

My dad gets home, walks through the door and sits down across from me at the kitchen table.

"….Heard about the fight today, Demetria."

My lip is between my teeth again.

"…No more fighting, Demi. I mean it."

I nod once.

"I'm proud of you for defending your friend, but I have no tolerance for fighting in school."

I nod again.

He pats me on the head once, and dismisses me.

"Can I go to Selena's now?" I ask.

"Go ahead…but come right back home." My dad says.

I nod again and dash out the door.

The front door of Selena's house is locked, so I ring the bell.

Mandy answers.

"Hi Demi. Hi honey. What can I do for you?" she asks me.

"Can I see Selena?"

"She's asleep right now, Demi. Been in her room since we got home from school. Come back a little later, okay? Thank you so much, Demi. For being the kind of friend you are to her…."

"You're welcome miss Mandy. Tell her to call me when she wakes up please."

"I sure will."

I sigh and go back home.

I don't have to go to school tomorrow, so I can stay up late.

I go into the living room with Dallas and Madison.

"What's up, Mike Tyson?" Dallas greets me.

I stick my tongue out at her and sit on the couch.

My phone rings as soon as I sit.

It's Jordan.

I answer the phone and head upstairs to my bedroom.

"Hello?"

"Hey….you alright?" he checks on me.

"I'm fine. It was just crazy today…"

"I heard you beat Brooke's ass."

"I tried to!" I laughed.

"You been on facebook lately?" he asks.

"No…why?"

"There's a video of the fight on there. Everyone's talking about how Selena got her ass beat."

"People are just assholes."

"I know…But I'm mad at you, Demi."

"Why?"

"You're leaving me alone in school for three days. I won't see you for three days…."

I smile, "Just stop over every day after school."

"I'll have to take you up on that."

* * *

I sleep restfully tonight.

I don't dream about anything. I don't dream about the fight. I don't dream about Jordan. I have a dreamless sleep. I enjoy it.

My bed is comfortable, too.

My dad put clean sheets on it before I went to sleep.

My pillows smell like laundry detergent, and my sheets feel so soft.

Perfect, perfect, perfect sleep.

I think I'm starting to dream, because I hear sirens ring in my ears.

I see the flashing of lights through my window.

Why do I have to start dreaming?

I wake up, and the sirens don't stop.

The flashing is still there.

I'm not dreaming.

There is probably a fire up the street. There were always fires during droughts in Texas.

Dallas bursts through my bedroom door.

"Demi, wake up! Wake up!" she screams.

Dallas always wakes me up to go watch fires.

I check my phone first off.

One missed call from Selena, but that was three hours ago.

I check the time.

It's 4:23 in the morning.

Three hours ago, it would've been one in the morning. Damn.

"Demi get out of bed!" Dallas yells.

I groggily get out of my bed and slide on my slippers.

"Demi…COME ON!" she screams.

"What's on fire?" I ask sleepily.

"…Nothing. Nothing's on fire, Demi."

I just now realize that Dallas is crying.

Is my house on fire?

"Dallas, what's wrong?"

Dallas has me by my hand, and she's dragging me downstairs, out the door.

I see it then.

Right across the street, there are three ambulance trucks lined up, and one police car.

"Dallas, what's wrong?!" I ask her again.

"Where's mom? Where's dad?!" I yell at her.

She puts her arms around me and holds me tight.

I actually realize it now.

The ambulance trucks and the police car are in front of Selena's house…

There is no smoke. There is no fire. Just flashing lights, sirens wailing, and nobody telling me what's going on.

I cock my neck around to see further what's going on. What's wrong? Is it Mandy that's hurt? Maybe it's Brian.

I finally see two people dressed in blue medical suits, wheeling a stretcher. On the stretcher is a small body. I refuse to identify the body, though it's clear that the body is very tiny, short, skinny, with dark brown hair and tan skin.

"DALLAS LET ME GO!" I scream at her.

She's holding me very tight.

"SELENA!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

Dallas is the only thing keeping me from collapsing on the floor.

I rip myself away from Dallas, and run across the street.

I run into my mom.

"D…Demi….honey." she says.

I try to get away from her, but she is holding me tight.

"WHAT HAPPENED?! WHERE'S SELENA?!" I demand.

I look over, and I see that Mandy is sobbing her eyes out, in the arms of Brian.

Brian is sobbing too.

"MOM…"

"S…She's….She's gone, Demi…She's gone."

"No, she's not…" I say, my voice shaky.

"….baby….She…she…she took a gun to her head…"

I turn away from my mom and throw up all the contents of my stomach.


	13. Rest In Peace

I just keep throwing up. Even when I don't think I have anything left in my stomach to throw up, I still throw up. My dad has his hand on my back, helping me get everything up.

"Demi…" he says.

I'm hunched over with my hands on my knees. The tears haven't started yet.

I spit hard, then turn to my dad.

I clear my throat then say, "Take me to see Selena…"

"Demi…I...I can't. You're not ready for that… You don't need…" he stutters.

"SHE'S NOT DEAD. TAKE ME TO SEE HER, DAMN YOU!" when had I developed such a foul mouth? And when did my dad decide to excuse it?

Instead of smack me in the mouth like I had expected him to do, he tries to pick me up, but I refuse.

I see the stretcher on the sidewalk in front of the house. A couple medical assistants are discussing something with a detective.

I rip myself out of my dad's hold and run over to the stretcher.

"Selena, wake up? Come on. Wake up. You got us. If you're trying to get us to listen, we're listening. Please wake up. You have to wake up…you have to get up. You can't be dead. You can't be. You wouldn't leave me like this. You wouldn't do it." I plead over the stretcher. It's not until then that I start to bawl.

I hear the detective say, "Who's this little girl?"

But I don't answer him.

I blink so that tears will fall and I can see the body I was leaning on more clearly.

It's definitely Selena. Definitely my best friend.

She's laying on the stretcher, lifelessly. Her hair is hanging down at her sides, and her white t-shirt is stained with what I desperately want to be spaghetti sauce. There's a blanket across her from the waist down, and her hands are resting to her sides. I grab one of her hands.

I don't look above her mouth. I don't want to.

"She's her best friend." I hear my mom answer the detective's question.

My dad has his hands on my arms now, trying to drag me away.

"No….Dad. Leave me here. Leave me here! I told her I would be there for her… you have to let me stay! Please!"

"Demi…Honey, she's gone. She's gone."

I cover my hands over my ears. I don't want to hear that.

My dad hoists me up in the air, as if I'm weightless to him and carries me away from the stretcher.

I, of course, kick my legs at him, to get him to put me back down, but my efforts are useless.

As he carries me away from the stretcher, I open my eyes and finally see it.

Just above Selena's right ear, there's a bloody hole with ruffled skin around it.

Somewhere from inside me, a noise, similar to mother bear watching her cub be shot dead in front of her comes out of my mouth. Tears fall faster than they previously have.

I'm gonna be sick again.

I don't want my dad. I want my mom.

I look around for my mom as I'm thrown over my dad's shoulder.

I see my mom. She's comforting Mandy. Mandy needs comforted. Hell, even Brian needs comforted. From here, it even looks like my mom might need comforting…

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. It's too hard to breathe. I don't feel like I'm sucking in any air. I can't breathe.

Once we're across the street on my porch, my dad finally puts me down on my feet.

My legs are too weak to support my body, so I crumple on the floor.

I still can't breathe.

"Demi…calm down. Calm down…" he instructs me.

I can't calm down. I can't breathe.

"It's okay, Demi. It's okay…. It's okay…" he whispers to me.

I close my eyes. Big mistake.

When I close my eyes, I see the ruffled, bloodied hole again.

There's something wet and uncomfortable between my legs. Did I have to start my period RIGHT FUCKING NOW?

I snap my eyes back open, and look between my legs at my white pajama pants.

They're still white, and there's still liquid coming out of me. Am I peeing?

I'm peeing.

Normally, I'd be so embarrassed that I could die right now, but I don't even care right now.

I close my eyes and the image of the hole is still burned in my head. I start to pee again.

I just want to crawl up and die too.

My dad lays me down on the porch softly, and calls for Dallas.

Dallas comes to the door with sleeping Madison on her hip.

"Dallas, get me a change of underwear for her, pajama pants, and a new shirt. Lay them out on her bed. Get a bath started for her too." He tells her.

Dallas disappears inside.

* * *

They investigate Selena's death for a total of three days before they dismiss the case. They rule it a suicide, and that's that. She's gone, and today is her funeral.

It's right up the street, so we can walk. I don't want to go.

But I'm forced to go. It's best for me to go, but I really don't want to.

I take a shower and get ready for the funeral.

I get out the shower and head to my room. My family doesn't speak to me anymore. I don't speak to them. I think they know that I won't talk back anyway. Jordan's been calling for days, but I won't come to the phone. I hope he understands.

I look in my closet, and grab a bright green dress with butterflies and flowers on it, and slip it on. I put on matching green shoes, and let my hair hang down in curls. I don't put on any makeup. I grab a sheet of folded paper, stuff it in my stockings, and head out the door.

"…Demetria…Demi…baby…go change." My mom says as soon as she sees me.

I just look at her.

"It's a very pretty dress, honey. But…it's not appropriate for a funeral." She says.

She's dressed in black dress pants, a black shirt, and black shoes. My dad has a black suit on. Dallas has a black dress on, and Madison isn't here. I want to wear green, so I'm gonna fucking wear green.

I shrug.

She hands me a black jacket.

"At least put this on…"

I grab the jacket and slip it on without further adieu.

We walk the one block to the church, and I keep falling behind.

Dallas stays back with me, and holds my hand.

She's almost dragging me.

When we get to the church doors, two women dressed in black dresses hand both my parents a program. I freeze up at the doors.

"Demi?" Dallas calls me.

I am frozen.

My parents stop halfway through the doors and wait for me.

"Go ahead and get a seat, guys. We'll be in shortly." Dallas tells them.

My parents go without us.

Dallas sits down on the curb of the street with me outside of the church.

"You can do it, Dems. Selena would want you here, baby." Dallas says to me.

She rubs my back and dries a couple of my tears.

I get up off the curb, and Dallas follows me inside. She won't let me run.

We find our seats with my family near the front. A lot of people are here. A lot of people are crying.

When the church bells mark the hour, the ceremony starts.

I sit stiff.

A pastor reads bible scriptures. He talks about how "only the good die young." He talks out of his ass, and I want to slap him.

The casket is closed, by the way. I guess they couldn't keep it open, because the damage was so bad.

Mandy comes up to the microphone, and I actually pay attention.

"….I thank you all…for coming out today and…Celebrating. Not mourning. Celebrating the life of my…gorgeous daughter, Selena. Selena was…the greatest blessing in my life. And I know that anyone who knew her…or knew what kind of person she was thought the same. She had the power to brighten my day with a simple smile. She was a…very great little girl." She says. I could tell that her speech was cut short, because she started to cry her eyes out. I cry with her.

"Sleep with the angels, baby." She manages to choke out through her tears before she steps down away from the microphone.

I put my head between my legs before I puke.

I am crying so hard, that I'm sure I'm a disruption to the whole ceremony.

Nobody tells me about myself, though.

My mom taps my arm.

I know what this means.

But I don't think I can do it anymore.

I look at my mom.

She mouths the word, "Go" to me.

I bite my lip really hard, and it bleeds.

I take off my black jacket to reveal my bright green dress.

My mom cringes.

Dallas helps me up out of my seat.

My mom helps me up to the microphone stand.

I wipe my bloody lip with my hand.

I take a deep breath, and grab my folded paper from inside my stocking.

I unfold it and sit it down on the podium, so that I can read from it.

I sniff hard and begin.

"…Most of you guys know me. But for those of you who don't, I'm Demi. I was – still am, Selena's best friend." I sniff.

"…Selena was…honestly, the best friend I could have ever asked for. She taught me a lot of things, like how to be grown up, and how to love someone unconditionally, like I loved her. Like many best friends, Selena was not always nice to me. I was not always nice to her. But that's what made her special to me. She would always say, 'Thanks for being there for me, Dems. Even when I didn't deserve it.' Selena was very much like my sister. We did much of everything together. And she will always be my best friend. I don't know much about funeral speeches, but Miss Mandy and Brian asked me if I would tell everyone what Selena was like. And I agreed. I knew Selena better than anyone in here. And the truth is, unless you knew Selena, you can't picture the kind of person she was. She was always smiling, even when she was crying. I have nothing but good things to say about her, my very best friend." I sniff again, to hold back tears.

"I know some of you may be wondering about my dress. I know it's not exactly appropriate for a funeral. But I am wearing this dress, because green was Selena's very favorite color. And I knew Selena well enough to know that even at a funeral, she wouldn't want everyone dressed so drab and boring in black. She would want a party for herself…. A pretty, perfect, poised green party. That's the kind of person Selena was…" I finish and everyone claps for me.

I fold up my paper again and stuff it back in my stocking.

I make my way back to my seat, and my mom hugs me tight.

"I'm so proud of you, baby. SO proud." She says.

I nod. I am crying again.

* * *

When I get home, I want to go up to my room and sleep. That's all.

So I go upstairs to my bedroom, and nobody bothers me.

I check my cell phone.

Three missed calls from Jordan, and a voicemail.

I check the voicemail.

"Demi? It's me again. Sorry for bothering you so much. I know you need your own time. But I really want to know if you're okay…can you please call me back? I'm worried about you…and not hearing from you is really bothering me. I… I love you, Demi. Please call soon." Jordan says.

I'm not in the mood to talk, but I push the "redial" button anyway.

Jordan answers on the third ring.

"Demi…"

"….."

"Demi, you there?"

"…" I sniff.

"….I'm so sorry…about Selena I mean."

"…."

"You don't have to talk. I'll talk. You just listen…"

"…."

"I miss you. And I…um…" he stutters.

He mumbles, "I love you…"

"…."

"I know you're going through a rough time right now, bab…Demi. And…I wanna be there for you. I really wanna be here for you. Please…just keep in touch with me. I was gonna stop over, but you weren't answering the phone..."

"…."

"Well, anyway… I'm gonna go now, Demi. Feel better, okay? I'll come over to visit soon, I promise…. L… love you?"

"….Love you too.." I whisper.

He blows a kiss into the phone and hangs up.

I throw my phone again.

I hate my phone. It's slow. It's a flip phone. It has an antenna. It tells the time. It sends text messages slow. And it NEVER rings loud enough.

I go over to my laptop, and switch it on.

I haven't been on facebook lately. I'm sure I have a few people to thank for their "I'm sorrys."

I log on, and scroll through my news feed.

Nothing much…

I click on my own wall, and there's a TON of "I'm sorrys" and "feel better demi's."

I don't even thank anyone. I don't feel like it.

I do something gutsy, and click on Selena's facebook page. It hasn't been taken down yet.

There's a BUNCH of "RIPs". I bite my lip at the page, and start to cry.

What I see next, INFURIATES me.

"Rest In Peace, Selena. I didn't know you were hurting so badly. We love and miss you 3

-Rebecca Santos."

I am FURIOUS. I want to KILL Rebecca, and I probably will when I get the chance. I swear to god I'm gonna murder her.

I click "comment" on that post, and type something really nasty to her.

"Don't say you didn't know she was hurting so badly when you HELD HER DOWN so she could get beat up. You wrote SLUT on her locker, and you MADE SURE her life was hell. Don't you DARE send your condolences when YOU AND YOUR POSSE are the reason she's dead! I SWEAR TO GOD ON SELENA'S GRAVE THAT YOU BETTER NOT LET ME EVER SEE YOU AGAIN BECAUSE I'M KILLING ALL THREE OF YOU. IN SCHOOL OR NOT. Better have a bodyguard. You are ALL murderers. You, Samantha, Brooke and Paul are ALL murderers. I hope you burn in hell. I hope GOD has no mercy." I comment.

I am mean.

I don't give a shit.

I felt like she needed to know that.

I kept scrolling through Selena's page.

I scrolled until I could see Friday night. I wanted to know what her last post was.

And her last post…I surely find.

A shiver goes up my spine when I see her last post.

It's a video.

…..i can't help but click on it.

It buffers all the way through, and I click "play."

I watch the video silently.

Selena walks in front of the camera, and sits on her bed.

She is not crying. She is smiling, happy and chipper. An act.

She starts talking.

"….Hi everyone? I'm Selena. You all probably know me. Or at least you THINK you know me. I know I probably look like crap right now, but it's 1:30 in the morning, and that doesn't really matter. I just thought I should tell you guys something. I want you guys to know the truth about me." She says.

To everyone watching this video, they would think that she's really happy.

But I am Selena's best friend. And I can see through her. She's not happy. She's acting happy in this video to refrain from crying…

I continue to watch.

"I know a lot of you people think that I'm a slut….or a whore. But I want you guys to know that I really am not. It started at a party. Rebecca Santos' party, the second week of school. I was going out with Paul Richards. And I made a mistake…. A mistake that really has ruined my life…" she explains. She is in front of the camera, and her tears are visible right now. She is crying now, and so am i.

"I made the mistake of letting Paul in my pants. And I swear that was all that happened. I didn't have sex with him, I did not go down on him, he did not go down on me. And I swear that on my life. And I also swear on my life that I did not try anything with Samantha Lewis' boyfriend, Luke Almers. I don't like Luke. I have never liked Luke." She sniffs.

I am sobbing right now.

"And all the writing "SLUT" on my locker, beating me up, throwing food at me, calling me names and spreading rumors about me is totally uncalled for…. It was one mistake. One mistake that found a way to ruin my life."

I should pause the movie before I throw up again, but I have to keep watching.

"So right now, it is 1:40 in the morning, on Saturday, December 1st, 2007. Thank you….for watching this ten minute video. And I'm sorry for all the people I've hurt. And I'm not sure why I'm so hated. But I finally hate myself too." She shrugs, tears falling from her gorgeous face.

"…and this is it. I'm sorry Rebecca, Brooke, Samantha and Paul. For making you hate me so much. I'm sorry." Are her final words.

She gets up to the camera, a small shiny gun in her right hand.

She shuts off the camera, and that's the last eleven minutes of Selena's life.

I need to throw up.

I get up out of my computer chair, swing open my bedroom door, and head for the bathroom. I don't make it to the bathroom. I collapse in the hallway, and I don't care about being quiet anymore.

I scream and cry so loudly, I am deafening myself.

I hold my stomach tight, and sob.

I am a wreck.

My mom comes upstairs first. Out of breath, she kneels beside me.

"Demi, what happened? What happened?"

I am throwing up in the corner of my hallway and screaming.

Dallas comes out of her room.

"What happened to her?" Dallas asks.

"…I don't know. Go….go look in her room. Is someone in there?" my mom tells her.

Dallas goes into my room, and doesn't come back out.

"Dallas?! What is in there?!"

"…..Mom….c….Come….look." Dallas sputters out. I'm sure she's standing in front of the computer.

My mom leaves me throwing up, peeing myself, and sobbing in the hallway for a moment.

When she comes back, the look on her face is like she's seen a ghost.

Instead of telling me that I'm okay, my mom rubs my back and lets me have my episode.

"…Dallas….honey…when daddy comes home from getting Maddie, tell him to keep her outside. Bring me….s…some things to clean this up, please."

This is new. I'm shaking, now. Shaking is new.

Selena's death wasn't a suicide.

It was murder.


	14. Fucking Phone

"Demi?" my mom calls my name.

I'm still laying on the floor. I don't want to get up, but I guess I have to.

I have to, because I'm laying in my own piss, and there's a puddle of throw up next to me, and it's starting to smell gross.

I lift my head up from the floor.

My head hurts so badly.

"Mama!" Madison hollers. She's coming up the steps now.

"DALLAS!" my mom screams.

"what?" Dallas says from inside the bathroom.

"I TOLD YOU TO TELL DADDY TO KEEP MADISON OUTSIDE!" my mom screams at Dallas.

"….Wass wong wiff emmy, mama?" Maddie asks.

Dallas comes from out of the bathroom and scoops Maddie up and takes her back downstairs.

I feel bad that Dallas is getting hollered at.

After my headache subsides, I scrape myself up off the floor and walk to the bathroom.

I feel lightheaded and sick.

I stumble into the shower and turn on the water with my clothes still on.

I slide down the wall of the shower and sit there under the hot spray in my pajamas.

My mom is cleaning up my puke, and that's enough to make anyone feel bad.

I rest my head on the soap holder of the shower and close my eyes.

I haven't slept in a week, and I'm tired. But I don't want to sleep.

I open my eyes a little, and see bloody water running down my arms.

I trace the source of the blood, and it's my lip.

I must've been chewing on my lip without knowing.

I don't even care about my mouth. I close my eyes again and think.

I think about how I'm gonna tell Mandy.

I need to tell Mandy that we need to take Selena's suicide to the authorities.

I'd help her if she needed it.

I have to explain to her how Selena's suicide wasn't suicide at all. I'm calling it a murder.

And her murderers are Rebecca Santos, Paul Richards, Brooke Paulsen and Samantha Lewis.

They need to be punished.

Selena may have killed herself, but they were the ones that drove her to it.

And I blame them. I blame them every single day.

They are murderers. They made my best friend kill herself.

They tortured her to the point of her death, and I will never stop blaming them for it. Ever.

Nobody should be driven to commit suicide.

And I think that if we present this to the police department, they would punish her bullies. They would punish her murders.

Surely Mandy has seen the video.

Maybe she hasn't.

But I was gonna make sure she did.

Selena's death wasn't just a simple suicide.

I believe she was murdered.

* * *

When I wake up, I am in my bed, wrapped in my quilt, in fresh clothes with a bucket next to my bed.

I don't remember going to sleep.

I guess I fell asleep in the shower while I was thinking about telling Mandy what I think.

My head feels better, and I don't feel sick.

I get out of my bed and walk downstairs.

My parents are both in the living room, Madison is coloring at the coffee table, and Dallas is on the computer.

"Good morning, Demi. Did you sleep nice?" my mom asks.

I look at the clock. It's not morning. It's 7:30 at night.

I nod softly.

"Are you hungry honey? Dinner's on the stove. I made macaroni and chicken fingers…your favorite." She says really softly, as if she's trying to keep me from flying off the handle.

I shake my head and sit down in the recliner in the living room.

I curl up on it and try to watch what's on TV.

"Get in there and eat dinner, Demetria. You haven't eaten in almost five days." My dad says firmly.

"Eddie…" my mom snaps at him.

"I'm sick of it, Dianna. She's wasting away. She's lost thirteen pounds in five days, she walks around like some type of zombie, and she doesn't speak to anyone. The least she can do is eat a piece of chicken and some macaroni." He snaps back at her.

My mom comes over to me and holds me close to her chest, as if she's shielding me from my dad's words.

"Her only friend in the world DIED, eddie. Give her some time. She's grieving."

I close my eyes.

I just want to disappear.

"It's okay, Demi. If you're not hungry, you don't have to eat. But you gotta drink something for me."

I just nod, and she leaves to get me a juice box.

I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears.

"Jordan stopped by, Demi. He asked to see you, but I told him you were sleeping. He told me to tell you he'll be back tomorrow after school. But he wants you to call him." Dallas says.

I nod slowly.

My mom fumbles with the straw on a Capri Sun and hands it to me.

I don't take a sip.

"When do you feel like you can go back to school, baby?" she asks.

She puts the straw in my mouth, "Drink."

I shrug to the school question, and suck on the straw. I take a small sip and swallow.

"Dallas?" my mom says.

"Whaaaat?" Dallas answers her, audibly annoyed.

"Will you take some of this spaghetti over to Mandy and Brian?"

"….I guess so, mom."

I bite at my index fingernail until it bleeds.

"Demetria, will you STOP with the bleeding?" my dad nearly yells at me.

Normally, I would say something smart back to him, but I just start crying.

Nobody understands how this feels. I lost my best friend. My very best friend. Nobody will ever understand how this feels.

"Eddie, leave her ALONE." My mom yells.

"Dianna, she's EATING herself!"

That doesn't sound like a bad idea. Maybe I can gobble myself up.

My mom and dad scream at each other for a couple more minutes before I get tired of it and decide to get up and go upstairs.

I bring my phone upstairs with me, and sit in my bedroom closet.

It's dark in here, and I don't mind.

I need somewhere where I can cry without being bothered.

While I sob, I decide to call Jordan.

He answers on the second ring.

"Demi?"

"…."

"Hi…i…um….brought your school work over today. But you were asleep. I miss you…"

"….."

"Demi, you can talk to me. Your 'no talking' rule can be broken with me…"

"….."

"You don't have to talk either…. I just really miss you."

"…."

"Can you make at least a little noise for me?"

I pop my tongue off the roof of my mouth.

"There you go. When are you coming back to school?"

"…"

"Too much talking? I'm sorry. I'll be over tomorrow after school. Please don't be asleep. I really wanna see you…"

"…."

"Demi?... d… do you just….wanna break up?... I feel like I'm a bother to you…"

"…..no" I whisper so soft I'm surprised he hears.

"You don't wanna break up?"

"…."

"I'm sorry for assuming you did. Um…if you're feeling better by Friday, do you wanna go see a movie?"

"…"

"Okay, we'll talk about it tomorrow when I come over. Miss you and Love you, babe."

"….you too." I whisper again.

He hangs up.

I'm bored now.

I go through my phone as if I don't already know what's in it.

I go through my calls.

Seven missed calls from Jordan, three from Dallas, and one from…on December 1st at 1:03 a.m.

I throw my phone at the wall.

I hate this phone.

It's old, slow, gay, gay, gay, and it NEVER rings loud enough.

My phone isn't broken.

It is still in one piece.

I grab it and snap it in half instead.

I want it broke.

I cry for a little while longer before I finally get up from my closet.

I walk downstairs, and set my broken phone on the table in front of my mom and dad.

"…What the HELL did you break your phone for?" my dad screams.

I lay back in my spot in the recliner and ignore him.

"I know you're upset, Demi. But that's NO EXCUSE TO BREAK THE SHIT WE BUY FOR YOU!"

"Eddie…" my mom tries to calm him.

"No, Dianna. HOW MUCH ARE YOU GONNA LET HER GET AWAY WITH?! WHY'D YOU BREAK THIS, DEMETRIA?"

I bite my lip so hard I cry.

"Leave her alone, Eddie. Leave her alone."

"NO. ANSWER ME, DEMI. WHY DID YOU BREAK THIS FUCKING PHONE?"

I bite harder on my lip.

"ANSWER ME."

I bite harder.

"I SAID ANSWER ME, DEMETRIA."

"…because!" I finally say. It's not a loud voice. It's actually strained.

"BECAUSE WHY?!"

"…she called me…she called me….and I didn't answer it. She called me…. She called me…..she called me…..she called me…." I'm sobbing buckets of tears now.

"…oh, demi…." My mom says. She comes over to me and holds me again.

My dad is speechless.

"she called me…..and I never answered….i didn't hear the phone ring…STUPID PHONE." I scream.

My mom is rocking me and rubbing my back.

"…..if I answered….i'd talk her out of it. I'd be able to talk her down….but she called me…and I didn't answer….a half hour before she did it…..i didn't answer….i didn't answer….i didn't answer…."

I hate that phone.

It was slow.

It was a flip phone.

It had an antenna.

It told the time.

It sent text messages slow.

And it NEVER EVER rang loud enough.


	15. Mirror, Mirror

Today is Friday.

Jordan wants to go out to the movies, but I don't feel like it.

I guess I should call him and cancel.

I don't feel like doing anything.

"Demi, get up and get dressed sweetheart. I have to go pick some things up at the store, and I want you to come with me." My mom came into the living room and said to me.

I was watching something on TV, laying in my usual spot in the recliner.

I just glare at her.

"Come on, baby. Up up up." She says again.

I slowly peel myself up off the couch and go upstairs to my room.

I throw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and go back downstairs.

My mom pulled my hair out of my ponytail.

"You need a haircut baby."

"….."

"Your hair is so pretty. You ready to go?"

"….."

My hair fell to the middle of my back in dark brown wavy curls. I didn't think it was pretty.

We get in the car, and my mom drives to Walmart.

She pushes the buggy and I walk close by her.

"You see anything you want?" she asks me.

We're up the chip aisle.

I shake my head.

We round the corner, and run into Mandy and Brian.

Pleasant.

"Mandy…Nice to see you. And Brian…." My mom greets them.

They both smile at my mom, and they exchange hugs.

I just look at a bag of chips.

"How are you doing, Mandy?" My mom asks her.

"Better. Some days I think I'll be alright. Other days, I can't get out of bed. But it's getting better. It's easier if I just pretend she's off at summer camp."

I bite my lip listening to Mandy's grief.

"How's Demi doing?" Brian asks about me.

I avoid making eye contact so that my mom doesn't think I'm listening in on their conversation.

"She's…not doing so well. She wets herself at times. I just got her to stop throwing up. But she's really hard on herself about it. I don't know why… It's not her fault or anything."

"She just needs some time. Kids handle death differently than adults do." He says.

"Hey, Demi?" Mandy calls me.

I freeze and look over at her.

"Whenever you're feeling up to it, I want you to come over and help me clean out her room…would you like that?"

I nod and turn my attention back to the chips.

"She doesn't talk?" Brian asks my mom.

"Hasn't said a word in three and a half weeks."

"She seeing somebody?"

"Eddie wants to take her to a therapist, but I don't know if that would be good for her."

"Why does she blame herself?"

"…Selena called her that night. And Demi was asleep, so she didn't answer the phone."

"Demi? Come over here, sweetie." Mandy calls me.

I put down a bag of Doritos and walk over to her.

She gives me a tight hug and strokes my hair.

"It's not your fault, kiddo." She says.

I blink back tears.

I just nod at her.

I really hoped Mandy and Brian would be okay.

Selena didn't think about us when she left…

* * *

Jordan comes over a little later, after we get home from the store.

He is allowed upstairs in my room, but the door has to stay open.

"So what have you been up to lately?" he asks me.

I shrug.

"I miss you at school…when are you coming back?"

I shrug again.

He sits on my bed with me and holds my hand.

"Are you biting your lips again?"

I nod.

"Don't do that…"

I sigh.

"Demi?"

I lift my head up.

"…How long do you think it's gonna be til you get over this? I'm not rushing you…I just…want my girlfriend back."

I shrug again.

He hugs me.

"…Take your time."

I nod.

"When you come back to school, I'll be waiting for you. I promise it'll be alright." He says.

I smile.

I really like Jordan.

I'm really glad he understands that I need time.

I'm really glad he didn't break up with me.

* * *

Today, my mom is following my dad's advice, and taking me to see a grief counselor. I don't think I need help. I just need time to get over this.

My mom makes me dress in a pair of blue jeans and a really pretty shirt. I look nice, but I don't feel nice.

I don't want to go talk to someone.

I don't want to talk at all.

Especially to a stranger.

We have to drive a half hour into Dallas to go to the place. I dread every minute.

"Demi, this person just wants to help you…" my dad explains. I don't listen to him.

"And if you don't like it, we don't have to come back, honey." My mom chimes in. I hate them both.

When we get to the place, I freeze again.

My mom grabs one side of me, and my dad the other. They both drag me out the car and into the building. I am a stone. I am frozen solid, and I am crying.

My dad takes no pity on my tears, but my mom wipes them.

My dad signs a couple papers, and we wait in a small room for a while.

I don't want them to call my name.

I never get what I want though.

A short, skinny lady comes through a door and calls my name.

"Demi?" she says.

My mom pats me, and tries to get me up.

I don't get up.

My dad drags me up. He hurts me.

I'm crying.

We go back to a room, and I sit alone.

The short lady and my parents go into a different room.

I look around this room.

It has tan walls, brown chairs, an easel to the right, a dry erase board on the wall, a couple toys for smaller children, and a small fridge.

I bite my thumbnail and it bleeds.

I use my other thumb and put pressure on it so it stops.

I don't want to be here.

My parents are forcing me here.

I just need some time to get over this...

I cover my hands over my ears, and sob.

I don't want to be here.

I sob, sob and sob some more, before the door to the room opens again.

I shoot my head up and look at the door.

The short lady comes in. She has long brown hair, blue eyes, and olive colored skin. I don't look at her, but she sits in the chair in front of me.

"Hey, Demi…" she said.

I cough and continue to cry.

She hands me a wad of tissues, but I bawl them up in my fist.

I sniff hard and keep crying.

"Demi, I'm Patricia Wells…and I just wanna talk to you, honey. You can call me Trish or Patty. Whichever works…"

I hiccup from crying so much and don't stop sobbing.

"Your mommy told me that you don't talk much…is that true?"

I just cry.

"You don't have to talk, honey. I'm not here to make you talk.."

I'm crying loud. Muffled "muhhh-huhs" are coming from my hands. I'm not even embarrassed.

"…Your dad told me…that you just lost your best friend…"

I wail a little louder and continue to cry.

She reaches over in the mini fridge and hands me a small bottle of water.

I just hold it.

I'm shaking.

"And I was told that your best friend committed suicide. And you're having a hard time dealing?"

I calm down a little bit, but not much.

"Demi, I have an idea…"

I look at her.

"Can you answer me a couple questions?"

I sigh and then nod.

"Do you like to color?"

I don't say anything.

"I see that you bite your fingers a lot…I need to keep your hands busy. You mind coloring for me?"

I shrug.

She hands me a pack of fresh crayons and a picture of a jumbled mess.

"Color the first three shapes you find, honey."

I nod. I spot a star, a heart and a circle.

"Your mom tells me that you self harm…"

I shake my head fast. I don't cut myself…what the fuck?

I color the star yellow.

"You don't self harm?"

I shake my head then show her my wrists.

"Ah, but see, Demi…. Self harm isn't always in the form of cutting one's flesh. Sometimes, an individual might burn themselves, scratch themselves, and in your case, bite. Self mutilation comes in all kinds of forms. You may not think you self harm, honey. But I can see that you do. You bite the skin around your fingernails until it bleeds. While that's a sign of anxiety, it's also a form of self mutilation. And your lips are badly bitten too, I can see."

I nod and color the heart orange.

"So do you self harm?" she asks again.

…..i nod.

"On your lips and your fingers, huh?"

I nod again.

"So I'm told that your best friend's name was Selena…"

I nod.

"Do you think Selena would want you to just mope around all the time?"

I shake my head.

"Was Selena a good friend to you?"

I hesitated, but nod.

"….What's your favorite memory of her?"

I don't want to talk. I shoot her a look.

I color the circle blue.

"You don't have to think of a lot of memories, Demi. Just one."

"….W…we cut school one day….and just ordered a bunch of food…" I smiled.

But then, I immediately started scowling again.

"…it's okay to smile about her, demi. It's okay to remember her."

I sigh hard.

"…So your mom tells me that you blame yourself for Selena's death?"

I bite my lip and nod.

"No lip-biting here."

I release my lip.

"Why do you blame yourself? Your parents told me about how you didn't answer the phone. But how could that be your fault?"

"S…She needed someone…and I wasn't there." I choke out.

I put the crayons back.

"If you would have answered the phone, what would you have said?"

"….i would've told her that she was beautiful. And worthy of life. And that things were only temporarily bad. They would get better…"

"…So why don't you tell yourself that?"

"…I'm not suicidal."

"You're not?"

I shake my head.

"But you bite yourself uncontrollably, you don't speak to anyone, and you don't want to leave your room. That's just as good as suicidal. You're not living your life…"

She had a point.

"Why are you mute, Demi?"

"…I don't know…I don't want to talk about it…to anyone."

"So you don't speak?"

"I don't have anything to say."

"Usually, Demi. When my patients are mute…it means they have a whole lot to say. They just don't know how to articulate."

I sigh.

"Do you have a lot to say?"

I shrug.

"What do you like to do, Demi? Something that you like to do that nobody else in this world knows about."

"….i like to play softball. My dad taught me how to pitch."

"Softball? That's good. But you said your dad taught you to pitch. I wanna know something that nobody else knows about…"

"…..I like….I like to sing."

"You like to sing? Goody! What do you like to sing?"

"….I don't know. I like to sing in my room while everyone is asleep. I don't like to be heard."

"is that your problem? You have a lot to say, but you don't like to be heard?"

"….Maybe."

"Why don't you like to be heard?"

"…because they're mostly songs that I write. And they are stupid songs. People don't like stupid songs."

"are you afraid to say something stupid? Is that why you don't talk?"

"….i mean, yeah…"

"Did Selena like it when you were quiet?"

"No…"

"If Selena were here right now, would she like for you to be so depressed?"

"No…"

"What would Selena want?"

"…She'd want me to be happy. She'd want me to talk and be happy."

"Just because Selena isn't here doesn't mean you can't do what she would want you to do…"

I nod.

"If Selena was here, what would she say to you?"

"She'd tell me to snap out of it…"

"Just because Selena's gone doesn't mean you have to forget her, Demi. It's okay to remember. You don't have to waste your life because hers ended. It's okay to be happy again…"

"….Is it…time to go now?" I ask.

"Almost."

"Do I come talk to you again?"

"If you want to… your parents will make you another appointment to see me."

I nod, "I'd like that."

"Before I let you go, Demi. Two more things."

I nod.

"Why is the star yellow?"

"Because white won't show up on white paper."

"Why is the heart orange?"

"….Because I couldn't find a red."

"Why is the circle blue?"

"Because….the….that's the color of the hole that was left in the heart…when Selena died…"

She nods.

"I have homework for you…"

I listen.

"I want you to write me a song about the shapes, Selena, or the next exercise we do. And I want you to sing it for me when we meet again."

"Okay…" I agree.

"Thank you, Demi. One last thing."

I nod again.

She grabs a small purple mirror.

"Look in the mirror."

I look.

I am ugly.

I have scabby lips, round brown eyes, chubby cheeks, nose freckles, and wavy brown hair.

"Who is that looking back at you?"

"….it's me."

"Close your eyes."

I close them.

"Picture Selena."

I do.

"Open up your eyes."

I do.

I see myself in the mirror again.

"Now…tell yourself what you wanted to tell Selena on the phone…"

I take a deep breath.

"You're beautiful. And worthy of life. Things are temporarily bad, but they'll get better." I said.


	16. Merry Christmas, and Happy Hormones

After my meeting with the grief counselor, I have to admit, I was feeling lighter.

Like I could just….fly.

"Are you hungry, Demi?" my dad asks as he drives home.

"No…" I mumble. I wasn't hungry, I didn't lie.

"You need to eat something though, honey." My mom says.

"I'll eat whatever you make for dinner."

"I'm not making dinner. I thought we could just go out to eat. Just me, you and daddy."

"…What are dallas and maddie gonna eat?"

"They're over grandma's. don't worry about them two."

"Okay…"

"What restaurant do you wanna go to Demi? Nothing's off limits." My dad says.

I want to go to In-N-Out. It wouldn't bother me to just eat a hamburger.

"Let's go to The Olive Garden." I say instead.

My dad makes a left turn and heads up the highway to the restaurants.

I walk ahead of my parents into the restaurant. I don't mean to, but they just end up further behind because they're talking.

I don't like to listen in on their conversation, but I hear an "I know, I'm glad she's talking" From my mom and tune them out.

The hostess greets us at the door and sits us in a booth towards the back.

I sit on one side by myself and my parents sit across from me.

"Can I start y'all off with some drinks?" The waitress asks, her southern accent thick.

My mom orders a diet coke and my dad the same.

"And how about you, hon?" the waitress asks me.

I'm not comfortable talking to her…

"What do you want, Demi?" my mom asks me.

I swiftly point my finger to something on the menu before my mom catches the drift that talking to her was too much.

"She wants an iced tea, please."

The waitress leaves to get our drinks.

"What are you gonna eat, Dem?" my dad asks me.

I shrug.

"I think I'm gonna get that ravioli." My mom says.

I nod once.

"The manicotti sounds good." My dad says.

I nod again.

"What sounds good to you?" my mom asks me.

I can tell that she's reaching just to get me to talk.

"I think I might just get the ziti…" I say quietly.

The waitress comes back with our drinks and pulls out her notepad.

"Ya'll ready to order?"

My mom orders her ravioli, my dad his manicotti, and my mom orders the ziti for me.

She doesn't bug me about speaking to the waitress.

That surprises me.

* * *

"What'd you get for Christmas, Demi?" Jordan asks me on the phone tonight.

Christmas was two weeks ago, and school started back up today. Not like it mattered to me. I still didn't go.

"Mostly clothes. A digital camera. An ipod. A new cell phone and a softball bat." I answer him.

"Oh that's neat. I got clothes, a new ball glove and an xbox. Can I come over later and give you your gift?"

"Yeah…I have your gift too."

"So…I never got around to asking you….but how did that one visit with the counselor go?"

"That was last week, Jordan…"

"I know…but I thought that asking you when it was still fresh would be….bad. I've really been wondering."

"It was fine…she made me realize some things. I go to see her again on the 28th."

"That's good. It must have went well, because you started speaking again after you saw her."

I laugh.

"Just be over here at 5:00, okay?" I say to him.

"You got it. Love you."

"You too."

We hang up.

I go downstairs to the kitchen where Dallas is doing the dishes by hand. The dishwasher broke a few days ago, and my dad hasn't gotten around to fixing it yet.

"….Let me?" I offer.

"It's fine, Dem. I got it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. But thanks for askin."

I nod, grab a bottle of water from the fridge, and go sit in the living room.

I play with my new phone for a little while before Jordan comes.

My new phone is one of those cool Razor phones. It's red, and it rings very loud. It doesn't send text messages slow, and it doesn't have an antenna. I can deal with the fact that it's a flip phone, I guess.

I look at the clock.

It's 5:12.

After I look away from the clock, the doorbell rings.

I get up and answer it.

"Hey." I greet him.

"Hi… Merry belated Christmas?" he laughs.

I laugh too and give him a hug.

He puts his chin on the top of my head and rubs my back.

"We can go sit in my living room. Your Christmas present is in there." I say.

We both go off and sit in my living room.

He hands me a small bag and a bigger bag and I hand him two big bags.

Dallas comes in to grab her phone, but she leaves soon after.

"Hi Jordan." She says before she leaves.

"…Hi Dallas." He says back.

When Dallas leaves, I open up the bigger bag first.

There is a pair of sweat pants from Abercrombie, and three shirts from American Eagle.

"Thank you…" I thank him and he gives me another hug.

He opens up one of his gifts next.

I got him a few shirts, mainly from Abercrombie and a pair of jeans.

"Thank you babe." He says to me, which makes me blush.

I open up the smaller bag next. There's a pair of diamond earrings in there, and my jaw drops. They have to be real diamonds, because fake diamonds do NOT glisten the way these diamonds were glistening.

"…Thank you…SO much." I say to him. He kisses my cheek.

"Glad you like them." he says.

He opens up his second bag, and I just got him a pair of Nike slide on shoes and a Nike shirt.

He kisses my cheek again.

"….Jordan?"

"Yeah?"

"…Be honest with me?"

"Always, Demi."

"…Are you afraid to kiss me on my lips? Because I bite them?"

"Honestly? No. I could care less. It doesn't bother me. I'll kiss you right now."

I smile. I really needed to know that.

"Wanna go upstairs? To my room? I can show you my camera and stuff…"

He agrees, and we both go upstairs to my room.

I show him the things I got for Christmas, and we just talk and relax.

It's nice, because I don't think about Selena that much.

"What did that counselor tell you, Demi?"

"….She wants me to write a song to sing to her. I wrote it, but I don't know if I can sing it…"

"Sing it for me?"

"No…"

"Will you ever sing to me?"

"Maybe…"

"I'm holding you to that."

I smile and playfully punch him in his arm.

He leans against my wall and I sit beside him on my bed. We watch TV in the dark, just me and him.

I grab my blanket and spread it across us, and turn on some scary movie that has to deal with a killer Santa Claus.

He holds my hand as we watch. We leave the door open. It's perfect.

About 15 minutes into the movie, Jordan releases my hand to wipe his off, then he grabs it again.

I rest my head on his chest.

What happens next was so natural, that I almost wanted it to happen. It's kind of like the cliché things you see in the movies.

I tilted my head up towards Jordan and he kisses me. He kisses me softly on my lips, and I kiss him back.

Usually, we both pull away. I've never kissed him with my tongue, but I feel like I need to right now.

It's natural to us. Very.

His tongue is just as soft as I hoped it would be. His mouth is cooler than mine, like he's been eating ice or something. I don't want to pull away. His mouth tastes like peppermint. Jordan has a thing with gum. He always has gum in his mouth. I think he swallowed it before we started kissing.

Jordan brings his hand up to my face and pulls me in closer to his face.

I don't want to pull away from him. I've never made out with a guy before. If Jordan is feeling the same way I'm feeling, something is seriously wrong.

I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's kind of cross between anxiety and temptation. A fiery, tingling feeling is racing through the pits of my stomach.

Jordan puts his hand on my lower back, and I turn myself to him.

We both pull away to breathe, but we're right back to kissing.

He has his hands on my hips, but I don't care.

There are a million things running through my head.

Jordan slides his hands up my shirt, but only so they're resting on my bare hips.

I scoot myself closer to him and lock my hands through his chocolate brown, curly, shaggy hair.

I know I should stop. I know that both my parents aren't home, but Dallas is downstairs. I know that if I don't stop, Jordan will stop. We're not gonna do anything rash. But I won't care if we do.

We both pull away again to breathe, and we don't kiss again. But the steamy tension between us doesn't stop when we do.

"…Demi…I can't…" he starts.

I don't wait for him to finish.

"Me either." I say, and I start kissing him again.

I drag my hands from my sides, up Jordan's chest. During the way up to his chest, I brush my hand against his leg. I'm not sure about sex. I don't know much about it, but I do know what happens when boys get happy. And I think that happened, because my hand brushed against something hard. And I liked it.

When did I turn into such a slut? Dallas mentioned before that she gets super…you know…a few days before she comes on her period. Maybe that's what's happening to me… whatever it is, I like it. Teenage hormones... it was only a matter of time before they caught up to me.

Jordan kept his hands locked firmly on my hips, but he was starting to rub them.

He pulls away from my mouth again, and puts his lips against my neck. He gives me a million soft kisses on my neck, which doesn't help the way I'm feeling below my waist.

"….Just stop me…if i…" he whispers to me.

I want to stop him right now. I'm not sure if I want to do this. I mean, with Jordan? Sure. But right now? I don't know…

But I can't stop him. I honestly don't want to stop him.

He slides his hands down my tight jeans, but doesn't get much further than my butt.

I reach down myself and unbutton my jeans, then unzip them.

He doesn't go around the front. He stays in the back, not even in my underwear.

He's kissing my neck, but he knows better than to give me a hickey.

He takes his hands from my pants and slips them up my shirt.

The only thing I know about sex is where what goes, and how boys get hard. I don't know much about anything else, so when I felt that my underwear were sort of wet, I didn't know if that was supposed to happen or not.

I think we're going to have sex, but I don't know.

I try to think back to if I have pretty underwear or a pretty bra on. I can't remember.

His one hand is down my pants, but the other is up my shirt.

I feel like I should do something, so I give my body over to my hormones.

I put my hand below Jordan's waist and unsnap his jeans.

I don't know what….that is supposed to feel like… so before I can get too nervous, I slide my hand down his boxers.

Doing things with your hands isn't that bad, is it?

Doing things with your hands led to bad things though…hands led to Selena's death…

I force that thought out of my head.

So far, I only feel hair down there. But I don't want to go further. I'm too scared to go further. So I rest my hand there, inches from… it.

He doesn't seem to care where my hand is. He has both his hands down the backside of my jeans, still not in my underwear.

I swallow hard, then slide my hand a little further down his pants. I feel it. It's…hard. And kind of thick. And it's long. I think long is a good thing, or so I've heard.

He doesn't even budge when I touch it. He just keeps kissing the crook of my neck and rubbing my butt.

I've never felt the…want to have sex with Jordan before though. What makes today so different? I've never wanted to have sex with anyone. Me and hormones don't exactly…match.

"…Demi we shouldn't…" he whispers.

"I know…" I whisper back.

"I don't want to…I mean… I REALLY want to…but I can't…" he explains.

"It's fine…you're not…even…" I assure him.

"…But I won't. Not here, and not now…" he says to me.

"…okay… we have to stop?" I ask.

"…No. we can…but….not…that far." He answers.

I nod.

I kiss him deeply again and we continue.

I pull away.

"You want to?" I ask him.

"Yeah…I've always wanted to. But I never thought you wanted to…but I know that you do now…"

"How do you know that?" I chuckle.

"…well you're….wet…down there."

"….is that bad?" I take this opportunity to finally ask. Surely he'd know more about sex than me.

"No…" he laughs, "If you want to have sex…that's a good thing."

My eyes widen and I smile. So that's _supposed_ to happen.

"Don't worry about it, babe…" he says.

He kisses my neck again, and I pull my hand from his pants.

He doesn't move his hands from my pants, but I don't realize that until I try to move and I can't.

"…You gonna let me go?" I ask him.

"Nope…my hands are warm down here." He says with a laugh.

I try to get up one more time.

He has me trapped.

"Okay. I'll let you go. But I have to do one more thing…" he says.

"Fine."

To my surprise, he slides his hands to my front and keeps it there.

I can feel my eyes widen.

I feel guilty, but it feels kinda… well…good.

Even though his hands are still between my legs, it feels satisfying.

"…Okay I'm done." He laughs.

I kiss him again.

"We're going to, right?" I ask him.

"Yeah…I promise we will. But when you're ready. I don't think you're ready right now…"

"So when?"

"….Why don't you tell me when?"

"…Next time we get an opportunity."

"Okay. If it's what you want babe."

I nod.

He kisses me again and rubs my back.

He pulls his hands from my pants, and I finally get up.

I think I love Jordan…


	17. Stupid Questions and Banners

My mom and dad went to some kind of party, and they weren't gonna be home until way later.

So after Jordan left, I took a shower and got into my pajamas to go to bed.

I had a….long day.

I lie in bed, and I fall asleep quickly.

I actually have a dream tonight….

"Demi! Wake up! Wake up!" dallas yells at me.

"….What's on fire?" I ask her, groggy with sleep.

"Nothing's on fire, Demi just wake up!"

"mmmmm…"

I end up outside, across the street…in Selena's house.

I'm in her room. Blood is splattered all over the walls and her bedspread is soaked with blood.

"Selena?!"

She's dead, and her blood is all over her room.

I go over to her computer desk. The recorder is still running.

I grab her cell phone and it's ringing.

There's no answer before it goes to voicemail.

"Hey, it's demi. Can't come to the phone right now. Leave me a message!" the voicemail recording said.

Selena!

"Demi…Demi, wake up. It's alright. Wake up.." Dallas is calling to me.

"…No she's not dead…" I whine.

"Demi…get up. It's a dream, Demi. Only a dream. It's alright." She's holding me.

I wake up from my nightmare…

I wet the bed…

"…It's alright, Demi. It's okay. It's just a dream…" she's kissing my cheek now.

I'm crying.

"It's okay…" she says again.

When I'm fully awake, Dallas runs me shower water and changes my bed sheets for me.

I'm embarrassed, but she doesn't care.

I get out the shower and put on clean pajamas.

I sit in my bed.

"Here…" dallas says. She sits a cup of hot chocolate beside me an sits behind me in my bed.

She's brushing my hair.

"…Dallas?"

"Yeah Dem?"

"Did you already know? That night? Did you already know she was dead?"

"When I came in and got you up?"

"Yeah…"

"Yeah, I knew. Mom just told me that it was something with Selena…and I just assumed…"

I nod once and she brushes through my knotty hair.

"Dallas?"

"Yeah?"

"….H…how do I know when to…have sex?"

"What do you mean, Dems?"

"Um…Me and Jordan almost did today… and…I didn't know if I should.."

"Don't have sex, Demi."

"…What was your first time like?" I ask her.

"It was really…special. But I regret it because me and the guy didn't stay together." She answers me as she brushes through my bangs.

"I think I want to…with Jordan. But I don't know…I mean…my…panties…were…gross after we stopped kissing and stuff."

Dallas laughs and brushes the length of my hair.

"Don't laugh, Dal! I didn't know what it was…"

"I don't know what to call it, dem. But…it happens when your body thinks you're gonna have sex. It helps it go…in and out." She advised me.

I nod. "Oh…"

"Does it hurt a lot?" I ask.

"It didn't hurt me when I did. But I used tampons before. So it will probably hurt you…"

"…What about whenever…a boy gets hard? I heard you're not supposed to just…leave it hard."

"I mean, he'll get over it Dems." She's weaving a braid into my hair.

"What about an orgasm?" I was comfortable with asking Dallas about everything.

"What about one?" she asks back.

"….Like…what is it?"

"I don't know how to explain it to you… but…you know how when…a boy…." She starts.

"Comes?" (A/N: I know it's spelled with a U, but that's such a dirty word I hate using it)

"Yeah. When a boy does that…it means that he's done. That he enjoyed the sex…and he's done now. Well…that's the female version of it."

"Have you ever had one?"

She laughs again.

"Yes, Demi. I have."

"What's it feel like?"

"…I don't know. I mean, you kinda feel like you're floating."

"How will I know when I have one?"

"trust me… You'll know."

"…Thanks Dallas."

"Anytime kid."

She ties a rubberband around the end of my braid and gets from behind me.

"Goodnight, Dems." She turns to leave.

"…Dallas?"

"What?"

"…Sleep in here? With me?"

"…Just for tonight." She says.

She climbs in the bed with me, and we both fall asleep.

I don't have any dreams.

* * *

Early next morning, EARLY next morning, I woke up. Dallas had to leave for work early this morning, so she's not in bed with me.

My dad goes to work around 6, and my mom has to take Madison to kindergarten.

I get up, put on the pair of yellow Abercrombie sweatpants that Jordan bought me, a yellow Abercrombie sweatshirt, my pristine white tenner shoes, and I tie my hair up into a ponytail. My ponytail is wavy because of the braid Dallas put it in. I put on a thick layer of eyeliner and some eyeshadow, pack a pair of shorts and a tshirt into my drawstring bag, then go downstairs.

My mom is feeding Madison at the kitchen table.

"…Demi. Goodmorning… why are you dressed honey?" my mom asks.

"….I wanna go to school."

My mom smiles wide and kisses my cheek.

"I'll drop you off honey. Eat some breakfast." She says.

I eat a bagel and drink some orange juice, grab my book bag, and head out the door.

My mom takes me to school.

"Have a good day, baby. Call me if you wanna come home early. I'll be here. I love you." She tells me as I open the door.

"I love you too mom." I say back.

I get out the car and walk into school.

I go to first period algebra.

When Jordan walks through the door, he smiles wide.

"Welcome back, baby." He says to me. He sits next to me in the chair and kisses my cheek.

"Miss Lovato, up here please." My math teacher says to me.

I get up and walk to the front of the room.

He hands me some notes and a couple of worksheets.

"…Let me know if you need me to slow down in this lesson. If you need a minute, just walk right out. Welcome back, honey." He says.

I smile at him, nod once and go back to my seat.

I don't need him to slow down.

Jordan's been teaching me at home.

After math, I go to biology.

My biology teacher hugs me briefly and gives me notes.

I know about this too. Jordan was teaching me this at home too.

I do some problems on conversion factors before class is over.

Jordan holds my hand tightly as he walks me to Spanish.

He kisses my lips once and goes off to French class.

"Hola, Senorita Lovato." My Spanish teacher greets me.

I smile back at her.

She teaches some lesson about conjugating, and we take some notes on verbs.

After Spanish, I go to study hall.

Study hall was in the library today. I took this opportunity to copy down some notes that I was missing from my classes.

"…Demi? Hi. If you need anything…Just let me know…I'm glad you're doing better…" someome says from behind me. And if it's the someone that I THINK it is, she better get the FUCK away from me.

I turn my head.

It sure is who I thought it was.

Rebecca was standing in front of me, trying to offer me her sincerest condolences. I wanted to punch her in her face.

"….GET. AWAY FROM ME."

"…she was my friend, too Demi. I know you guys were closer an -"

"she was NOT your friend." I interrupted her.

"that is NOT true, Demi. We had our differences, but Selena and I were close!"

The librarian walks over to us and asks us if there was a problem.

"….Close enough to kill her." I mumble and walk away from Rebecca before I do anything I regret.

* * *

I sit beside Jordan today at lunch.

He sits in the seat that Selena used to sit in.

I look around the cafeteria, and I spot the banner.

There's a banner sitting at a table near the corner of the lunch line.

The banner is lime green with big blue letters.

It says, "We Will Miss You Selena" on it.

It has a picture of her beautiful face on it, and everyone in the entire school was asked to sign it.

"..I'm gonna go sign…" I tell Jordan.

"Okay babe." He says.

I go over to the table and pick up a black sharpie marker.

Selena was so pretty…

I sign next to the part that says "Miss You"

I sign,

Selena, you were the most amazing friend I've ever had. I thank you. I thank you so much for showing me what true friendship was. Sad that your life was cut short, but thank you for showing me how to live mine. I love you forever and always. This isn't goodbye, it's see you later. Sleep with the angels.

-Demi.

I am crying. I am crying hard, and I can't stop. I think I'm gonna throw up.

I hold my stomach tight and sob over the banner.

"Demi!" I hear Jordan yell from across the cafeteria.

My history teacher, Mrs. Reacher, is on cafeteria duty. She's always liked me. She was the only one that ever noticed when I didn't speak in class, even before.

Mrs. Reacher walks over to me and puts her hand on my back. Jordan gets over to me.

"You want me to call your mom, honey? I'll call your mom…" Mrs. Reacher asks.

I just shake my head.

"Mr. Thompson, will you go grab some napkins from the lunch line? And ask one of the lunch ladies if she can spare a bag of ice." She instructs Jordan and he leaves.

Mrs. Reacher wipes my face with the napkins Jordan brings back, and holds the baggie of ice on the back of my neck.

I'm okay.

I just had a moment.

* * *

After school today, there are softball tryouts.

Jordan is waiting there with me, so he can walk me home after.

"You're gonna do good, babe." He encourages me.

Tryouts are in the gym, and I'm sitting in the locker room, waiting for my name to be called in to try out.

"What position are you gonna try out for?" he asks.

"I don't know yet.."

He kisses my lips.

"You're gonna do amazing. I'm gonna watch you through the doors, okay?"

I nod.

The woman coach comes to the locker room.

"Demi?" she calls.

I take a deep breath and get up. Jordan stands by the locker room doors so he can watch.

I walk into the gym. It's set up like a softball field, but there is no grass. There's home plate, a pitching mound, first, second and third base, and an outfield.

There's a judging table towards the front. The male coach is sitting at the table with a sheet of paper in front of him. The girl coach is next to him, and two male assistant coaches sit there too.

"Hello, Demi. I just want you to tell me what positions you know how to play?" the assistant coach says.

"…Short stop… Center field…and I can pitch.." I say softly.

I grab a glove they provided and stand.

"Go ahead to short stop. I'm gonna hit you a few balls, and you're gonna throw them over to Ed, there. On first." The assistant coach says. He gets up and goes to home plate.

I go to short stop.

He hits me a couple hard balls and I miss the first two.

I field the next four properly and gun them over to first base on clean line drives.

"Not bad.." assistant coach says.

"Center field, please." The woman coach asks.

I go to center field, and the assistant coach hits me a couple of grounders, and fly balls. I field them all cleanly and gun them to first. I think I'm doing well.

"Grab a bat and stand at home plate please." Woman coach says.

I grab a smaller bat and go to home. I get in my stance, and remember what Jordan said about my hips. I adjust, and assistant coach whizzes a fast pitch past me. I didn't swing.

He whizzes another one to me, and I swing at this one. I crack it up into the bleachers.

"Bunt please." Says woman coach.

I square around to bunt the next pitch, and lay a clean bunt down the third base line.

"Last thing…" woman coach says.

I nod once.

"Throw me two of your best pitches. Into the mat."

I nod again, and go to the mound.

I circle the mound, then dig in my foot.

I wind up, then pitch the hardest, fastest pitch I could, remembering to drag my landing foot.

"What was that, Ed?" the other assistant coach asks ed.

"it was 55 miles per hour."

"again." Woman coach instructs me.

I wind up and pitch again.

"That one was 60." Ed says.

I smile.

"Thank you, Demi." Woman coach says.

I sit the ball down on the mound and leave out the doors to go home.

"You did so good baby." Jordan says.

I smile.

I just hope I made the team.

A lot of people in this school are good at softball.

I think about how proud of me Selena would be, and I smile.


	18. Ouch

"I'm serious, babe. You did so good." Jordan compliments me as we walk home from softball tryouts.

"Thank you…did you try out for the baseball team?"

"I already have a scholarship to Texas State hanging over my head for baseball. I don't have to try out."

"Oh, I forgot Mr. Baseball star."

He laughs.

We make it to my front door.

"I'll see you tomorrow, babe." He says.

"See you…"

He turns to leave.

"Wait…" I stop him.

He turns back to me. "Yeah?"

"Don't I get a goodbye kiss?" I ask.

He chuckles and comes back to me.

He kisses my lips softly, and I take it upon myself to put my tongue in his mouth.

He complies, and tongue kisses me back.

"Love you." I say when he pulls away.

"Love you too."

He leaves and I go into the house.

My first day back to school went better than I'd hoped.

* * *

Today is only my second day back to school, but I already need a break. Thank god it's Friday.

I walk into math class expecting some new notes for the lesson. Instead, I get a substitute teacher.

I don't mind, either.

We do a worksheet on functions and the rest of the period is free time.

"What are you doing tonight babe?" Jordan asks me.

"I have to go back to the grief counselor after school. But after that, I'm all free."

"When you get home from that, call me. I want you to come over. To watch movies or something."

"Okay. I will."

The bell rings, and we both go off to biology.

The rest of the school day passes by without much cause for anything. The banner isn't on the table anymore at lunch, and I'm secretly grateful.

…

…

…

After school, I don't even have time to eat dinner.

Me, my mom and my dad all have to make the trip to Dallas to see Patricia again.

I make sure I have the song I wrote and suit up for a long car ride.

I think I fall asleep along the way, because we get there really soon.

I don't feel sleepy, but I get out of the car and go into the building.

My mom signs me in, and my dad sits by me to wait.

"Do you think this counselor helps you, Demi?" he asks me.

"Yeah, I really do. She makes me realize things.." I admit.

We sit in the waiting room for about ten minutes before Patricia calls me back through the door.

This time, my parents stay in the waiting area together and don't follow me back.

* * *

"Hi Demi! Long time no see!" Patricia greets me as we walk back to the brown room we first met in.

"Hey…" I say back awkwardly.

Once we get in the room, I sit in my chair and she sits across from me.

"So what's been going on, kid?"

"Um…well…nothing, really."

"You're speaking better, that's good."

"Yeah.."

"And your nails look better. But your lips are still pretty bad. You still bite them?"

"Just a little bit. While I'm in school…"

"But you don't bite them at home?"

"No…"

"…What made you decide to go back to school?"

"I was sick of sitting in the house…"

"Well there's a start. How much do you think about Selena?"

That stung a bit.

"….A lot…still." I whispered.

"When you think about her, is it good or bad?"

"….It's mostly good. Like I smile a lot, because I know what she'd say…"

"Any more nightmares?"

"Not as much as before."

"That's good honey. Did you do your homework?"

"My hom…oh. Yeah. I did…" I reach in my pocket and hand her the paper I wrote the song on.

"Do you wanna sing it for me? That was part of the deal."

I bite my lip, then release it.

"…I can't sing it.."

"Don't say you can't."

I clear my throat.

"You don't have to sing it right now, Demi. You can sing it a little later. I wanna do the next exercise with you."

I nod.

"So yesterday…your mom called me. And she said that two teachers called her from school. One was your history teacher… she said you saw something in school that had to deal with Selena…and you lost it for a minute. Then you were able to pull it back together. How did you pull yourself together?"

"…I just told myself that I was okay..and it worked."

"That's great, Demi. Really great. So right now, I want you to think of the night Selena died…okay?"

I nod slowly.

I feel the tears stinging my eyes as I think back to seeing her body on the stretcher.

I sniff hard, and Patty hands me a tissue.

"What are you thinking of right now, Demi?"

"…her body…with the hole in it where she shot herself…" I'm not crying really hard, but I'm crying.

"Okay…good."

I wipe my face and nose with the tissue.

"Now think of the time you told me about. The time where you and Selena ditched school and ordered food."

I nod slowly again.

I begin to smile as I wipe the tears.

"What are you thinking about now, Demi?"

"…How she had so much grease on her chin from the chicken wings. And then we were both so full that we just fell asleep…" I laugh quietly.

"You see what I just taught you?"

I looked at her confused.

"Any time you think of Selena's death…just tell yourself you're okay with a happy memory."

I nod fast, understanding. That was a good idea.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yes…"

"Next thing.." she moved on.

I clear my throat and listen.

"Your mom also told me that a librarian called and said you had a verbal fight with another girl? Explain?"

"….Rebecca. it was Rebecca. Um… she was one of the girls who bullied Selena real bad. One of the girls who killed her."

"Now when you say _killed_, Demi. What do you mean?"

"….Selena was unhappy. That's why she killed herself. Rebecca was one of the girls who called her names and wrote bad things on her locker… they bullied her into suicide, Patty. They KILLED her."

Patty just nods.

"And she told me that if I needed anything to call her and all that bullcrap. It made me mad…"

"I understand why that'd make you mad, demi. But you can't scream at someone every time they make you mad about Selena's death, right?"

"Right."

"So you have to learn to count."

"…count?"

"Yes. When you get mad, I want you to count until you calm down. Focus on the counting, not what's making you angry."

I nod.

"You ready to sing to me?"

"…is it time to leave already?"

"We only have a half hour session, Demi. We've been here twenty minutes."

I sigh hard.

I grab the piece of paper with the song written on it, and close my eyes.

"Promise me you won't laugh at the song? Or my singing voice?"

"You won't hear anything out of me." She promises.

"What exercise did you write the song about?" she asks.

"…The mirror. From last time…"

"Okay, honey. Go ahead."

I take a deep breath and start to sing the lousy song I wrote.

"…._Mirror, Mirror. Isn't it plain to see? Do my eyes speak up for me? Mirror, mirror. You're always true to me. How can I make it real when you see the way I feel? Isn't it plain to see, mirror? Don't my eyes speak up for me? Don't they tell you how I feel?_"

I finished singing, and Patty smiled.

"That was good, Demi. And your singing is not awful. I think it's beautiful.."

"Thank you…is it time to leave?"

"…One last thing, hon."

I nod.

She grabs the purple mirror.

"Say it again before you leave."

I take a deep breath and say it again.

"You are beautiful and worthy of life. Things are temporarily bad, but they will get better." I say.

* * *

After I get home from the counselor, I go upstairs to shower.

I want to be clean before I go over Jordan's.

I wash myself thoroughly, and decide to dress nicely too. I wonder if Jordan's sick of seeing me in sweatpants.

I pull on a pair of skinny jeans, a pair of flip flops and a long sleeve grey shirt. I let my hair down.

"What time do you want me to come pick you up, Demi?" my mom asks.

"I don't know. I'll call you."

"Alright. Go out to the car. I'll be there in a minute."

I go out to the car and wait.

She doesn't get in to drive me.

Dallas does. I guess Maddie didn't want my mom to leave. She has separation anxiety sometimes.

Dallas drives me to Jordan's.

"Just call me when you're ready to come home. I'll come get you. Have fun, dems."

"I will. Bye Dallas…. Love you." I say as I get out.

"love you too." She calls back to me just as I walk up to the door.

I text Jordan and tell him that I'm here, and he comes to the door.

"Hi babe." He greets me.

I hug him tight and he puts his chin on my head.

He takes me in the house, to the living room.

It's quiet in his house.

"Nobody's home?"

"My mom's here. But she's leaving out for my dad's job's dinner party. My sisters are out with their friends. So it's just gonna be you and me in a little while."

I smile slightly.

I like being alone with Jordan. And it's not just because we can have sex. But because I like it when our attention is just on each other. It makes me feel…special.

We plop down on his couch, and he turns on some stupid movie.

"Jordan, honey. I'll be back around ten tonight. Don't forget to unlock the door for Juliana when she rings the bell. Keep your phone on, and keep the door locked at all times." His mom says as she walks down the steps dressed in a pretty blue dress and flashy heels.

"And if you and Demi get hungry, I'll leave some money for a pizza."

"Okay, mom. Thanks."

His mom grabs her purse, a few other things, mumbles a swear word, and leaves out the front door, setting the security system before she goes.

We're alone now.

"So what do you wanna do, babe?" he asks.

"What is there TO do?"

"We can go play air hockey, watch some movies, go night swimming, jump on the trampoline, lounge around in the gym, get in the Jacuzzi, play basketball, order some food, whatever you want. We can do whatever."

"Let's order food…and watch a movie while we eat it. Then, we can go swimming or play a game or something."

"You got it."

He goes to his kitchen to grab the house phone and a pizza hut menu.

He orders a large pepperoni pizza, an order of breadsticks, and a bottle of pepsi.

We go goof around in the gym while we wait for the pizza.

I'm playing with an exercise ball, and Jordan is lifting leg weights.

"Do you ever really use this?" I ask, laying on my stomach on the exercise ball.

"I don't. but my mom does."

"What's behind those doors?" I ask.

"those ones? Those are the showers. For if you get sweaty while you're down here. I shower down here sometimes."

"Sweet…can I see your room?"

"Um…yeah. It's a little messy though…"

"I don't mind."

He takes me upstairs, down a long hallway, through his own bathroom, and to his room.

It looks just like Jordan. There's a red and black quilt on his bed, a flat screen TV on his wall, a big closet, a bunch of game systems, a skateboard, a computer desk with a laptop on it, and a baseball glove lounging around. He also has a small corkboard above his computer desk. I look at it.

There's a couple party invitations on the corkboard, the card I got him from Christmas, a drawing of my name in bubble-letters, and a picture of me. I smile.

"It's messy, I know.." he says.

"It's fine." I laugh and flop down on his ultra-large, king sized bed.

He lays down with me.

"You didn't give me a hello kiss…" he points out.

I smirk and lean over.

He kisses me hard and soft at the same time.

The doorbell rings, interrupting the moment.

Jordan hurries downstairs, grabs the money off the counter, and pays for the pizza.

I follow him as quickly as I can.

He brings the pizza to the kitchen and grabs me a plate.

We go into the living room, turn on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and eat our food.

Once we're both done, Jordan grabs a blanket off the back of the couch, spreads it over us and turns out the lights. It's dark, and we're watching a scary movie.

He leans his face down and kisses me again.

I kiss him back this time, hungrily, wanting more.

"Demi…" he stops.

"…I know." I say.

We kiss again, deeper this time.

I know that Jordan isn't new to this. I know that he screwed some girl over the summer, way before we even liked each other. I'm a virgin, he's not. But this didn't bother me. It's good he knows what he's doing.

"I don't want to hurt you…" he pulls away.

"You wont…"

"…if this is what you want…"

"it is…"

He pulls me back in and kisses me, deep.

That tingly, fiery feeling in the pit of my stomach happens again.

This time, I don't fight it.

He shifts, so that I can properly lay down on the couch, and he gets on top of me.

This is really going to happen…

I don't want to leave his lips, though.

I kiss him hard and fast, and he matches me.

He brings his hands to my waist, and I unsnap my jeans for him. He doesn't take them off.

I slide my hands up his shirt and rub his muscular back.

He maneuvers himself so that he is between my legs.

I have that feeling in my underwear again, but this time, I know that it's a good thing.

Against my leg, I feel that Jordan is hard.

I kiss him deeper, and he moves his lips to the crook of my neck again.

Finally, he pulls down my jeans so that they're around my ankles. But he leaves my underwear on.

I slide down his sweatpants easy.

His boxers are thick. The expensive kind.

He slips his hands underneath my back, and I lift up.

He pulls my shirt over my head, and I'm in my bra now.

I wiggle off my jeans, and they fall off the couch into a heap on the floor.

He secures the blanket around his waist and takes his shirt off too.

I put my hands on his muscular arms and stroke his biceps.

I have that feeling of anxiety and temptation again.

He puts one hand behind my back and unsnaps my bra. I lift up and take it off for him.

He presses his bare chest against my bare chest and kisses my collarbones.

His hand finds it's way to my waist, and slides my underwear down to my kneecaps.

I wiggle again, and they fall next to my jeans.

I tug on his boxers until he takes them off for me.

We're both naked, and I have never felt warmer.

He buries his face in my neck, and I curl my hands into his hair again.

I feel his cool breath in my neck, and it makes me want him more.

He puts his hand below his own waist and moves around a bit.

"Just stay still…" he whispers to me.

I stay still.

He guides the tip of himself inside of me, and smuggles himself softly all the way inside.

Yes, it hurts.

It feels like I had been stuck on a pole. I didn't expect it to be that…well…hard.

He stays still and he steadies himself inside.

I don't want him to know he's hurting me.

I just rub his back.

He draws back from me, and it makes a sucking sound.

It hurts again, but it's bearable.

He moves back inside of me.

"…Am I hurting you?"

I shake my head.

He moves slow out again, then back in.

This time, I didn't feel it that much.

I don't get the hype…it's not all that great.

He moves in and out again.

It feels good, but not to the point where I need to scream.

I think he's comfortable, because he kisses my neck again, then moves in and out faster.

"S…Slow down…" I whine. That doesn't feel good.

He slows himself.

This isn't fun, but it's special.

"I love you…" he mumbles. He speeds up yet again.

It's special, because I've never felt more close to Jordan. I feel like we are one person, and I think I really love him.

I don't tell him to stop. He stops on his own.

He pulls the "pole" out of me, and I'm throbbing down there.

I didn't realize how much it hurt until he pulled out.

I actually want to cry, but I won't embarrass myself like that.

When he pulls out, he lifts me up so that I'm laying on him, still naked.

He puts more of the blanket on me than he does on himself.

"You alright?" he asks.

I nod.

I am alright. I'm just achy. It doesn't sting or anything. It just feels like he rammed a pole up there. It's achy and sore.

"…if you want to go shower, I'll start some water for you…"

"…I'm okay…" I lie. I'm really hurt.

I think he knows I'm lying.

He grabs my arm and helps me up slowly.

"I'm sorry, Demi."

"It's okay…I liked it."

I didn't lie about that. I did like it. In fact, I wanted to do it again.

Just some other time…when his penis didn't feel like a goddamned pole.

I know it's weird, but I cant wait to tell Dallas about it.

My first time was special.

But I did NOT have an orgasm.

She said I'd know if I had one.

Unless an orgasm involves having a baseball bat shoved up your crotch, I didn't have one.


	19. Made

When I go home tonight, I am still sore down there.

Dallas comes and picks me up, and we ride home in silence.

I'm still debating on whether I should tell her or not.

When we get home, I go immediately upstairs to the shower.

The shower feels nice. It's calming. I almost fall asleep in it.

When I realize that I'm falling asleep, I get out, dry off and throw on some loose pajamas.

I don't say anything to my parents, Dallas or Madison. I go straight to bed.

It's not until I lay down that I realize, I'm super tired.

I crawl under my covers and lay my head on my pillow.

I don't even think about what I just did over Jordan's. I am too tired.

Just before I finally fall asleep, Dallas comes in my room.

"Demi?"

"…what?"

"Mom and Dad wanna know if you're hungry or something…"

"I'm fine. I'm just tired…"

"Okay, I'll tell them… did you have fun over Jordan's?"

"Yes, Dallas. I'm super tired…I wanna sleep."

"Okay, Okay. Goodnight." She leaves my room and cracks my door.

"Wait, Dallas?" I call her back.

She comes back, "What?"

"….I did it."

"Did what?"

"It…"

"…TONIGHT?! DEMI!"

"shhhhh!"

"…Oh my GOD, what was it like? Did he hurt you?! I….I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO!"

"Calm down, Dallas. It was…weird. And…yes. It did hurt. But I'm okay. I mean…"

"I'm gonna cry…oh my goodness. Demi, I told you not to. I can't believe…you…"

"I'm sorry…"

"I'm not mad at you, Dem. I'm just…shocked."

"Yeah, me too…shocked at myself."

"Wow….um…well I'm gonna let you sleep…"

"Dallas?"

"Huh?"

"Are you going to sleep?"

"Yeah I am…why?"

"…Sleep in here tonight?"

"….Why not?" she agrees and climbs in bed with me.

I don't have any dreams tonight.

* * *

School is pretty relieving today.

I don't completely dread it like I usually do.

Today is March 14th. 3/14/2007.

It's Pi day. (Pi, like the number, 3.14)

So today in algebra, Mr. Thomas brings us all pumpkin, apple and lemon pie.

I take a slice of pumpkin pie and sit beside Jordan.

"What are you doing today, babe?" he asks me. He hands me a cup of Hawaiian punch and sits down with his slice of pie.

"I have to go see the counselor and then I have to go shopping with my mom."

"Oh… well call me before you go to bed later."

I nod once and eat my pie.

I'm glad things haven't became awkward since Jordan and I had sex.

I'm glad that we don't really speak of it anymore.

But I'm glad that we actually did it.

...

School seems to drag on today, because I'm looking forward to seeing Patricia today.

After the final bell of gym class, I almost run out to the spot where my mom picks me up.

"Call me later, babe. See you!" Jordan calls to me as I get into the car.

I wave to him, then beg my mom to drive fast into Dallas. My dad isn't with us today.

"Demi, do you like seeing the counselor?"

"Yeah…I do. I mean, she helps me a whole lot."

"I'm glad honey. What do you want for dinner today?"

"Um….let's have spaghetti."

"Spaghetti sounds good."

"And garlic bread?" I ask.

"Yes. And garlic bread."

I clap my hands as if I'm happy.

"Demi, I wanna tell you that I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of you for this. I know at first you didn't want to speak to this counselor, but I'm proud you did."

I feel myself smile.

"Yeah, and this time, I want you to come in the room with me and Patricia." I tell her.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

We get to the counselor's office and I get out.

I hold the door for my mom, she walks inside, signs me in, and we both sit.

I lay on my mom's shoulder while we wait, and she rubs my hair.

"Patricia told me that you told her that you like to sing…"

I feel myself blush.

"How come you never told me you like to sing, honey?"

I shrug, "Because I'm not good."

"Will you sing for me?"

I shrug again.

"How about on the way home? I'll sing with you. Just me and you in the car." She offers.

I smile and take her up on the offer. It's just my mom. How embarrassing could singing in front of her possibly be?

The door opens, and Patricia calls me back.

I grab my mom's hand and drag her back to the brown room with us.

My mom sits in a chair beside me and Patricia sits across from us.

"Hi, Demi. Hi Dianna." Patty greets us.

I smile and wave.

"So…first I want to talk to you, Dianna. What kind of progress has Demi been making? What kind of progress do you see?"

"I see a tremendous amount of progress with Demi. I…I see that she talks a whole lot more. Which is a big thing. She talks a whole lot more. And she…doesn't hide in her room as much. She actually comes and sits in the living room with us. She isn't as depressed as she used to be. I see that. I used to ask her what she wants to eat for dinner, and she'd say 'nothing' but today, she actually told me that she wants spaghetti. It's the little things that I've noticed, but they're big improvements."

"That's really good. Have you noticed her biting?"

"No…no. She doesn't bite her nails anymore."

"That's excellent… so it's been what…three months since Selena's passing?"

"Yep. Just passed three."

"How do you feel, Demi?"

"Better. I mean, I don't feel so…hopeless. Because I know that Selena wouldn't want me to be hopeless."

"This is excellent, Demi. so with all that being said, I have one exercise for you today."

I nod.

"I want you to scream. These walls are soundproof. Scream until your little heart can't scream anymore."

I look at her.

"We'll talk about it after you do it."

I take a deep breath and scream.

I scream to the high heavens.

I scream so loud that my own ears are ringing.

I scream and scream until I can't scream anymore.

I scream.

And when I'm done screaming, I'm out of breath.

"…Didn't that feel good?" Patty asks.

I breathe out hard and nod.

"It feels good to let it out, doesn't it? It feels good to be _heard, _doesn't it?"

I nod again.

"It's okay to be heard, Demi. it's okay to let it all out."

I smile at her while I'm still catching my breath.

"So…Demi. and Dianna….i… officially don't have anything left to teach you."

"what do you mean?" I ask.

"I mean that you're ready to be on your own. You don't need me anymore, Demi. I'm only required until you need me. And you don't need me, honey."

I nod. I am kind of sad, but I agree with her for the most part.

"Before I let you go, I want you to tell me everything you've learned."

I sigh and think.

"….I…I learned that it wasn't my fault that I didn't hear the phone. And I learned that I don't always have to be so sad about it. I learned that Selena wouldn't want me to be upset. I learned that I have to count whenever I get angry, and think of a happy memory whenever I think of a sad one. i…I learned that it's okay…that it's good to be heard. And I learned that I am beautiful and worthy of life. Things are temporarily bad, but they will get better."

"Excellent, Demi. excellent."

I smile and want to cry.

Patricia stands up and gives me a hug.

"I'll still be calling your mom. To check up on you from time to time."

I nod and hug her tight.

"I'm proud of you, Demi. never ever forget what I taught you."

"I won't." I promise her. And I really won't forget.

* * *

In the car on the way home from Dallas, I'm not sad about leaving Patricia for good.

"So about that deal…" my mom starts.

"What deal?" I ask, dazed by looking out my window.

My mom doesn't say anything further, and she turns up the radio super loud.

The radio is playing her old favorite Dixie Chicks CD.

I laugh, and sing the current song that's playing.

She doesn't sing with me. I sing myself.

"I wanna touch the earth…. I wanna break it in my hands. I wanna grow something wild and unruly. I wanna sleep on the hard ground in the comfort of your arms. On a pillow of blue-bonnets and a blanket made of stars, oh it sounds good to me…. Yes it sounds so good to me…"

My mom sings with me on the chorus. My mom is an excellent singer…

"Cowboy, take me away. Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild moon…. Set me free, oh I pray. Closer to heaven above and closer to you….closer to you."

We approach a stoplight.

My mom looks over to me as the next verse comes on.

"You're not a bad singer, Demi. and I mean that."

I smile, "Thanks…"

* * *

School today was rather uneventful.

Nobody fought each other, there wasn't a firedrill, no drama, nobody was caught smoking in the bathrooms. Uneventful.

Gym class today is soccer.

I'm not on Jordan's team, and my team has appointed me goalie.

Joy.

Gym teacher was feeling nice today, and she decided to give us two goalies.

I'm goalie with a black haired, blue eyed girl named Emily.

"You cover that side, and I'll cover this one?" Emily suggests. She doesn't talk very loud, but I can tell that she's outspoken.

"Yeah, that's good." I say.

The other team kicks the soccer ball our way, and Emily stops it just as they were about to score.

I high-five her, she laughs, and we stay on the balls of our toes.

Emily and I are some kick-ass goalies.

Emily allowed no goals to score, and I only allowed one. Our team won the game, a total of 3-1.

When the game is over, our team thanks us and commends us.

"High five for kick-ass goalies?" I ask Emily with a laugh.

"Sure." She laughs back and smacks my hand.

"You're Demi, right?" she asks me.

I nod.

"Emily Anderson…" she introduces herself to me. I already knew who she was. She's Mrs. Anderson, the biology teacher's daughter.

All the girls go into the locker room and change.

I don't have to worry about Brooke, Rebecca or Samantha.

It took the school three months (though the entire student body already knew) to finally decide who should be punished for the relentless bullying Selena endured. They are suspended for ten days, currently. They need to have a hearing with their parents to decide if they will be expelled or not.

It took too long to do something about the bullying, but better late than never, I guess.

I finish getting dressed and head outside to wait for final bell.

"Hey, Demi! did you try out for softball?" Emily asks me.

I nod fast.

"But I don't think I made it. I haven't heard back…" I say.

"The list is up. The list of the ones who made it and their positions is hanging up outside the office. Wanna go look with me?" she asks.

"Did you try out?" I ask her.

She nods.

I go out to the office with Emily to see the list.

I read all the names that are on the list:

Rachel Wood - First Base/Catcher

Paige Hooks - First Base

Tiffany Spanelli - Catcher/DP

Monica Andy - Second Base

Karen Hill - Right Field

Abbigail Walters - Center Field/Right Field

Brittany Torrance - Center Field

McKenzy Davis - Left Field

Amy Sach - Left Field/DP

Demetria Lovato - Pitcher/Shortstop

Layla Lois - Shortstop

Olivia Rulers - Center Field

Emily Anderson - Third Base

Taylor Ends - Catcher

Kayla Taylor - Center Field

Shelby Marcus - Third Base

Maria Regal - Pitcher

Baylee Ponds - DP

I made the team…I made the softball team. And I'm gonna be a pitcher…

"Congratulations, Demi!" Emily screams at me.

I smile, "Congrats to you too!"

We both jump up and down.

I think me and Emily are friends.

What do you know?

I made a new friend, and I made the softball team.

Whoopee.


	20. Closing Ceremonies

It's the last school day before summer break.

I have a softball game after school today.

So when I wake up this morning, it's nothing like the previous mornings. Nothing at all.

I get out of bed and throw on a hot pink tank top, with the lime green Hollister bird on it, and a pair of blue jean shorts. I slide on a pair of white flip flops, and let my hair stay down. I straightened my hair yesterday, and it falls to the middle of my back. I don't want to cut it. I put on some eyeliner, some soft pink eyeshadow, and rub carmex on my smooth, baby soft, unbitten lips.

I pack myself clothes for my softball game. I pack my dark blue jersey, my dark blue shorts, my dark blue visor, my spikes and my gold socks. My jersey number is number eighteen. Selena's favorite number was eighteen.

I climb down the steps to join my family, who are all eating breakfast in the kitchen.

"Good morning, Demi." my dad greets me first.

"Morning." I say back. I grab a box of fruit loops, some milk and a banana. My mom pours me a cup of orange juice as I sit down across from Dallas.

"What time is your game today, baby?" My mom asks.

"It's at 3:00. Up at the school."

"Are we going?" Dallas asks.

"Of course we are." My dad answers her.

I glance at the clock.

"It's 7:15. Bus is here." I say.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?" Dallas asks me for the zillionth time.

"I'm sure Dallas." I grab my softball bag, my drawstring bag, and an extra hair-tie.

"Have a good last day at school, Demi." my mom yells at me as I dash out the door.

"I WILL!" I scream back.

I climb up on the bus.

I spot Emily toward the back and sit with her.

"Hey, Em."

"Morning, Demi…. do you have any idea how excited I am?"

"For what? The game?"

"Yeah! Last game of the season until playoffs. I'm excited!"

"I'm excited too. And school's ending. Hallelujah."

"Amen to that."

We both laugh at each other.

"Oh! Demi…. I'm going to the movies later tonight with my brother and his girlfriend. You wanna come?"

"Sure, Em. Um….what time?"

"We'll come get you around 8:30."

"Sounds good."

The bus comes to a screeching stop at school, and Emily follows me off.

We don't have any classes today.

We are having closing ceremonies at school today instead.

Emily and I drop our softball bags off in the locker room and head to the auditorium.

I find Jordan, and Emily finds her crush, Ethan.

Funny, how it all worked out this way. Ethan is one of Jordan's best friends, and he and Emily are close to going out. Emily is my best friend.

The seating goes, Jordan, Me, Emily then Ethan.

We chatter until the principal starts the ceremonies.

"I'm coming to your game today, babe." Jordan says to me.

"Good, I always do better whenever you're there."

He leans in and kisses me deeply.

Jordan and I have only had sex three times now, but we still never mention it. It's a part of our lives that we like to keep private, and that doesn't bother me. Though I do talk about it with Dallas sometimes. Haha.

The principal taps on the microphone to draw our attention up to him.

We all pay attention to him.

"Good Morning, students of Colleyville Senior High. Welcome to the closing ceremonies of this school year. This school year has been one of the bests. Both for faculty and students. Instead of wasting time on boring introductions, I'm going to go right into it. We are going to start with the awards ceremony. So I'm going to turn the microphone over to our guidance counselor, Mrs. Hepps." Principal finishes and hands the microphone to the guidance counselor.

"Good Morning, freshmen, sophomores, juniors and seniors. I'm going to start things off this morning with the awards. Now, for the freshmen who have never been here, we give out a total of four awards per category, in each grade. The categories are academic achievement, for the students with the highest grades in their class. Academic excellence, for the students with the highest GPAs of their class. Outstanding student awards, and Outstanding athletic awards. Those are the categories. We will start out with our freshmen." Mrs. Hepps says.

I'm not nervous. I never get awards. For anything.

"The winners of the academic achievement awards are chosen by our principals. These awards are pretty straightforward. If you have high grades, you can get an award. The winners for this award are… Emily Anderson…." Hepps announces.

All I pay attention to is Em's name. I clap for her as she walks up to the stage and gets her award. I don't get academic achievement. My grades aren't horrible, but they aren't that good.

"Moving on to academic excellence. These awards are given to the students who have the highest GPAs of their class. And the winners are …"

I don't even pay attention to this award, because nobody I know got it. Not me, not Jordan, not Emily, not Ethan.

"And to Outstanding athletic awards. These awards are chosen by the coaches of the sports we provide here at Colleyville high. Outstanding athletics are awarded to the students who show amazing progress, dedication and love for the sport they play. The winners of this award are… Emily Anderson, Jordan Thompson…"

I clap for both Em and Jordan. Em is a very good third baseman for our softball team, and Jordan is just… good at baseball.

"The most challenging awards to give out are our Outstanding student awards… Outstanding student awards are chosen by our faculty members. Outstanding students show progress in their grades, leadership, and helpfulness to their peers. The winners of the outstanding student awards are… Ethan Narrando…"

I clap for Ethan. Emily acts like she's going to have a heart attack. I laugh at her.

I told you that I never get awards. I'm not disappointed, though. I expected this.

Mrs. Hepps continues, "I know that we have traditionally only given out four groups of awards… but this recent year, we have decided to incorporate a special award. This award will be called the Student of the Year award. This award is not very easy to come by, but it was very easy for us to agree upon. This award is chosen by ALL faculty members. To win this award does not mean that you have the best grades, the highest GPA, or the best athletic tendencies. The winner of this award is someone whom we all look at as the very best student…under very rich circumstances. The winner of our very first Student of the Year award was agreed upon unanimously by our staff members. And we proudly give this award to Miss Demetria Lovato."

I freeze in my chair, yet again.

I hear Jordan clapping for me, and Emily is patting me to go up and accept my award.

But I'm stunned. Why am I student of the year? I suck.

"Go up there, babe." Jordan whispers.

When my legs stop feeling like jell-o, I walk up to the stage.

Mrs. Hepps, the principal, and all my teachers shake my hand.

My hand is sweaty.

The entire auditorium is clapping, cheering, and whistling for me. I don't know why.

I don't feel like I deserve this.

Everybody else that won an award today got a certificate and a $25 gift card to walmart. I got a shiny metal plaque, and a check for $150.

Everyone knows why I got this award except for me.

"Congratulations, Demi. I have you know that we all know what a rough year you've had. And we all admire you for having the strength to deal with such a thing." Mrs. Hepps says to me as she hands me the plaque.

I smile. I guess I'm proud of myself too.

* * *

We take a recess for lunch hour.

"I'm so proud of you, Demi." Emily says as we all sit down with our lunch trays.

"Thank you."

"You're so strong, babe." Jordan says to me.

I smile big.

Ethan comments, "You really are strong for that."

I smile at him too.

After we finish eating our lunch, we all file again back into the auditorium.

I get "congratulations" and "you deserve it, demi" from everyone. Even seniors.

I feel so… loved.

Once everyone is settled again into the auditorium, principal taps on the microphone again.

Everyone is silent, and we pay attention to him.

The seniors and the juniors are given their awards.

I glance up at the clock on the auditorium wall and it's 1:55 whenever all the awards are done.

We don't get out until 2:20. I wonder what else we're gonna do for 25 minutes.

Mrs. Hepps is at the microphone again.

"We have one more thing to do before we dismiss for the final time this year…" she says.

I pay attention to her, and Jordan grabs my hand.

"Before we do our final thing, I want to say congratulations to the seniors…congratulations for graduating and making it through high school. Congratulations to our juniors who are now officially considered seniors. Congratulations to our sophomores who are now juniors. And a big congratulations to the freshmen who are now sophomores. Congrats on making it through your first year of high school."

Everyone claps for one another.

My first year of high school really was… rough.

It was not what it cracked up to be.

I thought I was going to go into high school with my best friend, we were gonna have a blast, and we were gonna look back at all the awesome memories that freshman year held for us.

I came out of freshman year without my best friend, with a boyfriend, a new best friend, and a gaping hole in my heart where my absolute very best friend used to be.

"At this time, I would like to call Miss Lovato up to the stage once again." Mrs. Hepps calls out.

Instead of freezing again, I walk up to the stage and stand next to her.

"At this time, we would like to call everyone's attention to back wall of our auditorium. Where our student accomplishments are featured."

Everyone including me looks at the back wall. The back wall is decorated in plenty of beautiful colorful banners, plaques, pictures and wide frames.

"We need to acknowledge something very important that happened this year. And we need to add a very special banner to the back wall…" Mrs. Hepps says as lightly as possible.

I bite my lip, then release it soon. I rub my own arm and think of the time me and Selena skipped school to order food, before I am overcome with grief. "I'm okay…" I whisper to myself.

"Demi, would you do the honors?" Hepps asks me.

She hands me scissors to cut the line that will hold the banner into place.

I nod briskly and cut the line.

The lime green banner falls short, and drapes perfectly into place. Selena's gorgeous school picture, along with the thousands of signatures of the high school hang like they belong there on the back wall.

I smile at it, though I want to cry. The banner is beautiful. Selena would love it.

The final bell of the final day of freshman year rings, and I wave the banner goodbye.

It's a beautiful addition to our school, I think.

* * *

I'm pitching in today's game.

It's June 1st.

Six months exactly since Selena's suicide. (I still think it's murder.)

After I warm up my pitching arm, I go back into the dug out to shelter myself from the sun.

It's hot today. It's very humid too.

"Hey, Demi. Take one." McKenzy, the captain of the softball team says to me. She hands me a small baggie of lime green ribbons to tie in our hair.

"For Selena." She explains.

I take one, and weave it into my ponytail.

I do very well in today's game.

I strike out 25 out of 30 batters.

I allow three base hits.

I get on base every time I'm up at bat.

I score every time I'm on base, too.

If I strike out this last batter, we win the game and we get to go home.

The count is 3-1.

Three balls, one strike.

I circle the pitching mound to calm myself down before I throw my next pitch.

"You can do it, Demi!" I hear Dallas yell from the stands.

"Just relax, baby! You can do it!" Jordan screams.

"Remember your release point!" My dad yells too.

My mom just claps. She's mild-mannered.

I dig my foot into the dirt, take a deep breath, and pitch the ball.

"STRIKE TWO!" the umpire yells.

My teammates burst into cheers for me as they stand ready on their bases.

"One more, baby! Just one!" Jordan screams.

I take another deep breath and pitch the ball low, to the outside corner of home plate.

"STRIKE THREE OUT!" the umpire yells, and my teammates flood me on the mound.

They cheer for me and hug me and tell me how well I did.

"Good job, Demi. Very good job." McKenzy says to me.

"Looks like we're going to dairy queen after the movies!" Emily yells and I laugh hysterically.

I won the game for my softball team.

I did VERY well in today's game. I think it's because of the green ribbon in my hair.

Before we all dash off to go home, the coach wants to meet with us to tell us about playoffs.

I listen intently, then go when he dismisses us.

I walk over to the dug out, but stop at the fence near right field.

Jordan comes over to me.

"You did so good, babe. I'm so proud of you baby."

I stand on my tip toes, and kiss him over the fence.

"I'm proud of you…"

"Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too, Demi. more than anything right now."

"More than baseball?"

"More than baseball."

I laugh and kiss him again.

"Does your arm hurt?" he asks.

"My pitching arm? Yeah. It's sore."

"I'll rub it for you later. After you come back from the movies with Emily."

"It'll be late, Jordan."

"Who cares? We've got all summer to be late."

I smile again. He kisses my smile.

* * *

My mom and dad want to go out for frozen yogurt after my softball game.

They want to celebrate.

I don't argue. I love frozen yogurt.

"Demi, you did so good." My dad praises me.

"Thanks dad."

"Maybe we'll go get our nails done tomorrow too. My treat." Dallas offers.

I nod, "I'd like that."

I look down at my fingers.

They are not chewed up. They are not bloody. I have good fingernails and good lips.

I look out the window on our way to TCBY.

We drive past a clearing with headstones. A cemetery.

"WAIT! STOP!" I ask my dad frantically.

He stops.

Very quickly, I get out the car. Nobody questions me.

I run through the cemetery as I count.

1….2…..3…4…5…6…..SEVEN!

I count seven spaces to the headstone with a ruby birthstone on it. Ruby is the color for birthdays in July.

I kneel down at the grave.

It's a beautiful grave. Lined with flowers and soft grass. Even a weathered teddy bear is there.

The picture on the gravestone is more beautiful.

She has tan skin, long curly dark hair and gorgeous brown eyes. The kind of face that makes me take a hit at my own self-esteem.

I rip the green ribbon out of my hair and tie it onto a bouquet of flowers.

"For you, Selena. I miss you more every day. You're welcome. For me being there. Even when you didn't deserve it. You're welcome." I tell her. I know she's smiling…in heaven, somewhere.

I kiss the dirty gravestone, and get up.

I walk back to the car and get in.

I'm crying, but happy tears. Not sad tears.

Dallas pats my back, and my dad continues to drive the way to TCBY.

Nobody questions me.

* * *

When we get home from TCBY, it's 5:30.

Madison is sleeping in the car when we get home, yogurt all over her face.

I go around to the trunk to grab my softball bag.

I still have about three hours until Em comes and gets me.

"Demi, do you want a pizza? You have to eat something before you go to the movies. I'll order it from pizza hut baby."

"Yeah…pizza's cool." I say.

"Wait….dad." I call him.

"Yeah, Demi?" he answers.

"Can you take my softball bag in the house? …there's something I need to do."

"Yeah honey. Just give it here."

I hand him my softball bag.

"What do you have to do?" he asks.

"I have some…business I need to tend to." I shoot my mom a look.

She nods once at me.

I smile back at her, then walk across the street.

I'm not nervous. I'm embarrassed that it took me so long…

I walk up to the front door and knock. I have to remind myself that I can't just walk in anymore.

I wait a few moments, and Brian comes to the door.

"Demi…nice to see you, hon. Anything you need?" he asks me.

"…Can I see Mandy please?"

"Of course. Come on in."

He steps to the side, and I walk inside the house.

It's just like I remembered it before.

It's very nice and homey. It smells like apples and cinnamon.

I look around, and the walls still have Selena's baby pictures on them.

It's comforting.

I sit on the couch in the living room that Selena and I skipped school in.

Brian goes up the stairs.

I'm alone for a little while.

I look around the living room.

I can almost hear Selena's laugh in this living room as she wipes the grease from her chin.

I almost want to lay down and fall asleep like we both did after we were full.

Mandy comes into the living room.

"Hello, Demi. nice to see you, baby. What do you need?" she asks me.

"….Do you still need help?"

"….I knew you would come around." She opens her arms to me.

I get up from the couch, give her a prolonged hug, and she kisses the top of my head.

"Come on upstairs. You can start cleaning out her closet." She says to me.

"We're gonna need her room as a nursery." She explains.

"That's so good, Mandy. Really that is." I express my happiness for her.

I thought Mandy's belly felt hard…

We make it upstairs.

"I'll clean off her bed and stuff while you clean out her closet. If you see anything you want, Demi, go ahead and take it. She'd want you to have some of her clothes."

"I will."

We go into Selena's room.

It's still perfectly set up. The way I remembered it. Her bed as if she'd never slept in it. Her walls wiped clean of the blood.

I go to her closet.

I start cleaning out her room.

And I can honestly say that it's not as hard as I thought it was gonna be.

All I have to do is think of a happy memory whenever I just wanna cry.

I find myself smiling more often than crying.

For once, I don't go completely _out of my mind.__  
_

And for that...

I am so proud of myself.


End file.
